First Offenders

Happy Holidays

We are taking our traditional two week break here for the holidays, so you will need to find other places to waste your time over the holidays.  As we did last year, we leave you with quite possibly the worst Christmas song ever by quite possibly the worst collection of singers ever.  The rappin' kid at 2:28 is even better than he was last year.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM THE FIRST OFFENDERS!!!

(Okay.  Typepad, as usual, sucks and won't embed the video at this very moment.  So you will just have to click here to see the awfulness.)

Did You See Bob and Betty Doing It On The Copy Machine?

Like Alison, I'm in deadline hell during the holidays again -- third year in a row for me -- WOOT!!

In this economy, lots of businesses are cutting back on employee perks, like big bonuses and the annual Christmas party. Sadly, here it is the 17th of December and I've not been to a single Christmas party. Since Christmas Eve is a week away, the odds are good this will be the year without one. I have mixed feelings on that. I work from home and don't socialize nearly as much as I should, and this is the time of year I see people I haven't seen in forever. Then again, without employer provided free drink tickets or an open bar, I won't be tempted to imbibe and ask to see a man's tattooed penis, take the tequila shooting challenge with young men half my age, drink too many Jaeger-bombs and pick a fight, or sing karyoke like (I think) I'm Pat Benatar, or watch other employees sabotage their jobs because the booze was free flowing and they have an opinion of management.

So, I have to live vicariously through you, FOFO's. Tell me about the worst holiday party you attended, whether it was a business one or a personal one, and or the craziest thing you've seen at one.

Kirkus is gone ... do we really care?

So Kirkus is folding. Despite the obvious feelings about how print publications that offer book reviews are ceasing to publish these days, I'm not sure anyone who's gotten a lousy review from Kirkus is going to mind. Kirkus has a reputation of always giving lousy reviews—except, of course, when it doesn't—so how many of us are crying into our coffee?

I was more upset about Editor & Publisher. My first thought was: Who's going to report this? As a former journalist, I remember reading E&P religiously for industry news and—more importantly—job listings. Granted, now there's journalismjobs.com—which is sadly lacking in many of those said jobs due to the demise of newspapers recently—and a little something called ChainLINKS online that offers a lot of industry news.

So does it really matter that E&P and Kirkus are folding? There are book reviews all over the Internet these days. Book bloggers are spreading the word faster than ever before about books. As writers, we rely on word of mouth to get the news out about our books. What better way than to have book bloggers all over the world commenting on our books? Granted, they're not an established publication that has a reputation, but they are regular people who love books and if they love one, they'll talk about it. I had a lot of hits on my website from Malaysia after Alice Teh of Hello, My Name is Alice posted a review and interview with me on her blog. She's based in Malaysia. I can't imagine word of my books ever reaching Asia without that.

I've heard a lot of mixed feelings about book blogs, and the biggest complaint is that it's not "professional." But I get a lot more readers because of those bloggers' reviews than I do if I go to a book event somewhere and there are only three people—or fewer—there. A book tour is good for meeting bookstore owners and librarians, but it should also include a blog tour for all those people who don't go to author events but will spend time on their computer reading about books they might not normally discover otherwise.

So I'm not overly upset about Kirkus. Times are changing, and while I do like to hold a magazine or newspaper in my  hand rather than read them online, the Internet can bring new books into our lives.

What do you think about book blogs? Do you read them? Do you pick up books because of them? And if you don't read them, why not?

Karen

Merry random thoughts...

By Alison

Nothing says pain in the ass like being at the end of a deadline during the Holiday season. To say I'm overwhelmed would be like saying that Jeff's taste in music is only slightly effeminate, or that Lori isn't entirely fond of monkeys or... well figure the rest out because I got no more similes. My brain is fried. So I'm gonna throw some random thoughts at you, and if anything sticks, respond. Okay? Okay.

First of all, there's this: Moving right along, we have our holiday party for the magazine in NYC tomorrow night, and guess who's invited, Guess!! That's right. The cast of Jersey Shore. Jeff Shelby, Eat. Your. Heart. Out.... Does it freak anyone else out how they cater those facebook ads to you, but only using the slightest amount of demographic information -- like that friend who gets you that awful sweater she thinks is "so you," and you're totally insulted by that?? According to facebook, I'm a lonely mom who is in desparate need of a scholarship, wrinkle cream and laser hair removal. And the idea that some guy who looks like he missed the final cut for Jersey Shore might possibly be googling me just makes my whole goddamn day. Stop insulting me with your ads, Facebook!! What the hell did I ever do to you??? Ever sit around wondering what random people you don't know are doing at this very moment? The Obama party crashers? Vin Diesel? Jim Born's mom? You don't? Alrighty then... What's your least-favorite book-related word? Mine is "unputdownable." Did you ever know, before, say, three weeks ago that there were THAT MANY golf-related double entendres??? Okay, that's it for now. Feel free to respond, or chime in with a few random thoughts of your own. Happy Chanukah!! (PS Typepad isnt giving me paragraph breaks.)

Don't Call Me When It's On Because I Won't Answer The Phone

Are you watching Jersey Shore? Or are you just scared to admit it?

See, I'm not afraid to admit it. My poor taste in television has been documented all over this here Internet and I think more people would be surprised if I wasn't watching it. So I have no fear.

In case you have missed the publicity blitz, Jersey Shore is an MTV reality shore that takes place - guess???!!! - on the Jersey Shore and features seven (well, now it's six - LONG story - actually its not - Angelina was lazy, she got fired and had to move out) - young men and women living together in a summer house. Oh, and did I mention the producers set out apparently to find people who lived up to nearly every awful East Coast Italian stereotype they could find? Wait, let me rephrase that - the producers set out apparently to find people who THRIVE in living up to nearly every awful East Coast Italian stereotype they could find. Yeah, that sounds better. Because these folks blissfully call themselves Guidos and Guidettes. Seriously.

Oh and you know what's cool? They also give themselves nicknames. J-WOWW, Pauly D, Snooki and my favorite, The Situation. Yeah, that's his nickname. The theme of the show really is self-absorption and these people really know how to pull it off.

Anyway the show features them all living together and partying and drinking and fighting and yelling and doing their hair and hooking up and lots of other things that really shouldn't be fascinating - but totally are. I have no idea why. I should be ashamed of even knowing about this show, but I just set my DVR to record the entire season.

Critics hate it and are bashing the show. That seems about right. There is some pretty awful stuff. But there is also some pretty hilarious stuff and it better be on for the rest of my life.

I'm begging you. Watch this show. So we can be friends.

And I think everyone needs to give themselves a nickname today.
J-FANTASTIC (I totally would've used J-WOWW but its obviously already taken...)

BABES IN JOYLAND
This is the number one downloaded song at iTunes right now and it is on seemingly every radio station every hour here in Dallas. And it has my daughter dancing around the house yelling DJ BLOW MY SPEAKERS UP!!!

YOU KNOW WHY I HATE ANDY ROONEY? CUZ I'M JUST LIKE HIM

Guess this one will be my last for 2009, since I'll be enjoying the holidays the next couple of weeks.  See you back here come 2010.

And, as much as I hate the last five fucking minutes of 60 Minutes due to this long-past-needing-retiring Andy "I Hate New Shit" Rooney, here's my own version of the same thing.

Why does everything have to get louder and louder every Christmas?  Seems like the object is to eventually reach cacophonous noise for a month straight.  And why why why must advertisers mangle Christmas songs we're tired of into Christmas jingles we absolutely loathe.  I mean, what's the point of this bullshit?

So it's not enough to just sing a nice tune and remind us of the season?  You have to put a guilt trip on people for shopping wrong?  Assholes!  Self righteous assholes!

And this sucks too:

If you think it's cute to do that to Christmas songs, then a lump of coal for you.  And a dusty one.  Make sure you inhale all that coal dust.  Worse, they took an already jokey enough song ("Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer") and decided to commercialize the fuck out of it.  For shame!

Anyway, I long for a quiet Christmas.  You know, one in which advertisers are struck immobilized for just enough time to make sure none of their Christmas ads get on the air.  And I'm not some old-timey prude.  Hell, I'm even fine with good ol' RUN DMC.  Even that's like a nice calm breeze compared to some of the current shit.

So, let us all be merry this holiday by shutting the fuck up for a while, okay?

Have a great Christmas and New Year's, and if you have any Christmas pet peeves, unload em in the comments.  I'm looking forward to all the damage we can do together in 2010.

FRIDAY BONUS MUSIC VIDEO:

Can't Handle Anarchy

I've mentioned before that I don't watch a lot of TV. I have certain shows I like, (Lost, Friday Night Lights, True Blood, Burn Notice, The Vampire Diaries, 10 Things I Hate About You, Breaking Bad) and it's more time efficient to DVR them and watch at my convenience, when I don't have to sit through a billion commercials. Or lately, I've been buying entire seasons of a TV show when amazon.com runs a sale so when I want to start a new series, I can (I just bought all four seasons of Supernatural and can't wait for things to slow down so I can watch it. I'm contemplating buying the first season of Fringe, and I have all the seasons of Mad Men) Once in a while I stumble across a new show like White Collar, which I'm still not quite sure of, but find myself watching anyway.

When I saw the first commercial for Sons Of Anarchy, I was very intrigued. As you know, we have a fairly large biker population here in Rapid City, especially since we're thirty miles from world famous Sturgis. In my Julie Collins series, Julie is heavily involved with the president of a biker club. As the books progressed, she got sucked a little more into his world, even when she didn't want to, even when she didn't understand the lifestyle, even when she couldn't help it if she wanted to be with him.

So I started to watch an episode of Sons of Anarchy. I made it about fifteen minutes before I had to shut it off. Not because it was so bad or unrealistic, but for another reason entirely, one that might sound stupid, but I'm going to throw it out there anyway.

Watching the show made me miss my characters and the world I'd created with Julie Collins.

When I finished Snow Blind, I knew it would probably be the last Julie book. I had to leave her in a place where I was satisfied with the choices she'd made and I hoped readers would be satisfied too. I went through a mourning process of sorts. It was damn difficult to let it -- and let her -- go.

But seeing that show reminded me of all the plotlines, storylines, character development and situations I wouldn't get to write. It made me incredibly sad. Again. I realized while I love writing my new female hero, Mercy Gunderson, and she takes me in places Julie never did, I'll always miss writing my favorite bad girl.

So tell me FOFO's...is there a fictional TV show you've seen that you can't watch because it brings up memories you've chosen to leave in the past?

Crossing the finish line

So instead of actually commenting on Alison's post from yesterday, I figured I'd write another post related to it.

Because I sent my book to my agent Sunday night.

I'm not sure how it happened, but after all the fits and starts I had with this damn manuscript, the last 20 pages flew. I'd known exactly how the book would end from the get-go. I almost started writing the end at one point when I was in the middle and stuck for a week, but somehow I managed to move past it and never got around to it.

So about a week and a half ago, I got home from work, settled in with my laptop on the couch and wrote those 20 pages like they were nothing. Like writing the whole book had been like that. Ha! And even in the middle of it, I helped my daughter with her English paper and drove her to and from choir rehearsal. Because that's what moms do: we are the queens of multitasking. The whole time, though, I had it swirling around in my head and when I wrote the last two words (no, they were not THE END), I knew it was THE END.

I have never been so happy to have finished a book as I was that day. Granted, I had two wonderful people read it and I had to make some tweaks, but it wasn't so bad (except I forgot that the Jeep was somewhere in the desert and they were now driving the Impala, so I had to change all the Jeep references to Impalas).

And yesterday while the nice IT guy battled the virus that moved into my work computer with all his family and friends, I even managed to outline half of the next book (yes, it took that long, and the virus is still laughing at us).

So as I revel in the relief and work from home today (snow day!), my question to you is: Do you really think those computer viruses ever go away? We have a Dell computer in our basement that has a beast living in it. It refused to move. So we got a Mac. Who's laughing now?

Karen

Sorry I'm a little late but...

... I've been writing. That's right. WRITING!!! After so many weeks and months of stopping and starting, of forcing myself through bouts of horrifying self-doubt and Itotallysuckitis, I had today what felt like my best writing day since I started this book oh so many months ago -- and it sprung out of total, rock-bottom suckage!

For a few days, I've been struggling through a scene that's my least favorite kind. A transitional scene -- basically that scene where the main character is doing some lame thing that you hate writing about because it's so damn boring and seemingly irrelevent when all of a sudden a lightbulb goes off in her head and she's spurred into action. I was having a hell of a time with it. Basically, I just needed something to get Brenna from point G to point H, but I couldn't find it. Anywhere. So I woke up this morning expecting another craptastic day of terrifyingly bad writing when... Well it's sort of like pushing a car. You're putting your whole weight into it and nothing is happening, but then there's that moment where it just gives -- and you're rolling. Well that's what happened to me. For the first time in forever, I wrote a scene that felt like it was writing itself, and then that brick wall I've been hitting kind of crumbled and I saw the path that leads to the end of the book.

I love this feeling. It's so rare, but it reminds me of why I wanted to write in the first place -- that creative rush, where it seems like everything is falling into place. A friend of mine calls in "book sex," and though that may be overselling it, I do agree that it's a really, really good time.

So I'm gonna get back to it. But first, I'd like to ask -- have any of you had this feeling recently? And if so, what got you there?

'Tis The Season

So it's that time of year again. The Christmas music is playing. The tree is up. The menu is being planned. The presents are being wrapped and placed under the tree.

And, uh, here come the in-laws.

Now I know this is a bit of a taboo subject. No one wants to come right out and bash their in-laws, no matter what they are like. And that's not what I'm looking to do here. But there is just something about essentially giving my house over to visitors for a few days that drives me nuts. Entire house has to be clean. Everyone has to be polite. No one can walk around in their underwear if they normally do that once in awhile or all day long. Meals tend to be a little more jazzed up. Everyone's in the kitchen and wants to help even though there's nothing to do. Conversation tends to move around benign subjects. It all just becomes so ABNORMAL and that tends to wear on me.

And I've heard in-law horror stories before and comparatively speaking, I could have it a lot worse. So it's not even the actual people themselves - its the having to adjust your life for the duration of the visit. I'm usually good for the first couple of days and its fun, but after that, I usually start to breakdown. The smile fades. I am looking for a quiet place or any excuse to get out of the house. I am counting the hours until I get my house back so I can make a crappy dinner and leave the living room a mess and watch some crappy tv and walk around in my underwear. I don't wanna have to be "on" all the time.

So. Are you looking forward to family visitors this holiday season?
Jeff

BABES IN JOYLAND
Hey, remember a few months back when I posted this and there wasn't a real video to go with it? Well you are so friggin' lucky because now there is. I mean really - you are so lucky.