First Offenders

NOIR

• Regular Joe.  What could possibly go wrong, right?
• The man in the hat shot the other man in the hat.
• The last score never goes as planned.
• Guy meets girl.  She's all, like, sexy and shit, and fucks him stupid.  Then he does stupid things for her to make sure he keeps that pussy for himself.  Then that pisses off some other guy (like her husband), who must thusly DIE DIE DIE at the hand of first guy.  But then he starts to resent the bitch who got him into this even though the pussy is still pulling at his selfish, homicidal prick.  Before you know it, they're fucking and trying to kill each other pretty much simultaneously.  Maybe one succeeds.  No one gets out happy.
• Guy needs money.  Does bad thing to get money (maybe involving guys with nicknames like "Fats" and "The Strangler" and "Assraper Junior"), but a) now owes bad men money but can't afford it, or b) stumbles into murder.  Either way, ooooo wheeeee, I'd make sure to wear a fake mustache and avoid Assraper Junior at all costs.
• Porn Stars.   Nuff said.
• What a shitty future.  Robots think they're people.  People can't tell if they're robots.  Then there's sex and chases.  Maybe you are a robot.  Th' fuck?  Also, Asian food.
• Bad voiceovers, man.  I'm talkin' baaaad.
• Why are all these criminals dressed so well? (Neo-noir version: why are all these criminals British and wearing track-suits?)
• It would be nice if they turned on a goddamned light so I could see what's what.
• Wrong place, wrong time, big trouble, great movie.
• Everybody smokes.
• You are so fucked.  You just don't know it yet.
• But seriously, did you see the ass on her?  You would've done the same thing.

What smells like noir to you?

Friday Bonus Music VIdeo:

Play It Again, Sam

Lori here~

I've noticed a trend of authors listing "playlists" to accompany books they've written, either they list it in the book itself on the acknowledgment page, or on their website blog, to talk about how the music inspired them.

I can't listen to music while I'm writing. Period. Music of any type, especially not a song I know the words to because the next thing I know, I'm singing along. Yeah, I have a short attention span and delusions of I don't sound THAT bad when I sing along (the Gretchen Wilson "Redneck Woman" drunken karyoke incident at the Blue Lantern not withstanding) to the tunes drifiting from radio in my car. Which is the only place I can listen to music.

But what gets me, is how completely and totally unhip those playlists make me feel. I get that it's my issue, but sometimes I wonder if that isn't the entire point of making those playlists public. The whole, I'm so cool, look at what *I* listen to vibe. It's obscure so it has to be good, right? I've never heard of half the bands. Oh, and remember I have THREE TEENAGERS, with varying tastes in music, so it's not like I'm totally clueless about what's out there. I don't have the current Shiny Toy Guns CD in my car, but I have heard of them. It reminds me of an argument I used to have in the mid-80's with a friend who refused to listen to that "Top 40" crap, and insisted on listening to alternative music, REM, B-52's, Depeche Mode, The Surf Punks, The Hoodoo Gurus, The Smiths, The Cure, Adam and the Ants before he became Adam Ant, music that for the most part was still only heard on college radios stations. Yes, I liked those bands a lot, but I also pointed out, if there wasn't "Top 40" music, then it would be impossible to gauge what was considered alternative music. We went round and round on this, and when REM broke out -- he refused to listen to them any more.

Snobbery? Or rather: it's only cool if no one--or a select few--knows who the hell the band is. It shows you're tuned in to the new generation, man. Or just trying too hard to be hip to that jive (another joke in the Armstrong household). I ain't gotta lotta time for that mindset these days, nor for the "You've NEVER heard of the Vomiting Mushrooms? They're the best band ever." Uh-huh.

But I sing a different tune when it comes to song titles. Dude. I lift use song titles all the time. My next Lorelei James book (out Tuesday!) is entitled "All Jacked Up" -- yes, it shares a name with the Gretchen Wilson tune, but the song didn't inspire the book. The main male character's name is Jack--and he and the heroine have an adversarial relationship so the title is perfect. The last LJ book I wrote? "Shoulda Been A Cowboy" again, not based on the Toby Keith song, but the main male character is the lone sibling in a Wyoming ranching family who isn't a cowboy. I've used "Dirty Deeds" by AC/DC -- the main male character is a landscaper, and "Wicked Garden" by Stone Temple Pilots -- the main female character's name is Eden. It amuses me to find a title that fits, if nothing else. My desire is to someday write a book with the title "Janie's Got A Gun" and one called "Jamie's Crying" -- I know, I'm dating myself.

So FOFO's playlists...make them? Hate them? Love them? Feel totally geekified by them?

Cocktails, all around

Scary is what it's all about during Halloween week.

And perhaps the scariest news (other than Sen. Joe Lieberman fucking with the Democrats over a public option opt-out health care reform bill, although that makes me, as one of his constituents, more pissed off than scared), is that Broadway is planning a new show based on the 1988 Tom Cruise movie COCKTAIL.

Now, COCKTAIL was one of the worst good bad movies ever. It's one of those movies that is occasionally overplayed on cable, and you just have to watch that scene where Bryan Brown and Tom Cruise flip those glasses and bottles all over the bar:

But I just can't see this as a Broadway show. I mean, really? And apparently they've already got someone in mind to play the Elizabeth Shue role. Are we surprised it's Katie Holmes, aka Mrs. Tom Cruise?

You can read more about plans for COCKTAIL here.

If you were going to produce a good bad movie for the stage, what would it be? (And you can't pick FLASHDANCE or DIRTY DANCING, since they've both been done...remarkably under my radar, since I find them both compellingly bad although not nearly as bad as COCKTAIL).

Karen

Just for the Halloween of it...

By Alison

So here's the most interesting Halloween costume I've ever heard described: Back in college, a friend of mine glued hundreds alka seltzer tablets to her body and jumped into a pool. A short lived costume, yet VERY effervescent. Now I'm not all that ambitious, nor do I feel like jumping in any water in 40 degree weather and getting bubbles all up my nose, but I am looking for Halloween costume ideas, and obviously, I need them fast.

My daughter is going to be a corpse bride. We've got the wedding dress, and we're going to make it look like she's been buried in it for years, and then we're going to do the white make up with the dark circles around her eyes, tack up the hair. Put a few dead flowers in her hands, she's ready to go.

But my husband and I are at a loss. Last year, we were going to go as McCain and Palin (Me as McCain, him as Palin) but we were invited to this 1940s party, so we had to go that route instead. This year... I don't know. Nothing seems to stand out. I'd like to be something topical, but there just aren't that many topical things this year that make for good costumes. Should I go as a Kindle? How about The Recession? Should my husband and I go as Khloe and Kim Kardashian? I'm dying here!!!

So I'm using this blog to fish for last-minute ideas. What are you going as for Halloween? Or what's the best Halloween costume you've ever done? Or what the hell do you think I should be? Any and all comments are greatly appreciated.

On Impulse

Lori here ~ still giddy after the surprising Shamus win~

Still slaving away on the book I had to ask for a teeny extension on (due this week) and my brain only has so much room for creativity today - I apologize in advance for the randomness of this blog.

To some extent, I think everyone is an impulse buyer -- aka a sucker for the newest thing. Luckily I am not a gadget girl, so my impulse buys are fairly inexpensive (with the exception of my love for cowgirl boots) and since I shop at low-rent stores like Walgreens and Walmart, usually my impulse buys are food/cosmetic related. The choices double this time of year with Halloween and Christmas looming.

Mmm. Candy. Have you seen the candy aisles lately? The plethora of Hershey's Kisses flavors these days astounds me, but I love trying the latest flavor sensation (hint: cherry cordial tastes just like chocolate covered cherries and the toasted coconut ones are perfect). Same goes for M&Ms (hint: the strawberry chocolate ones suck.) Whoppers -- I love peanut butter but was it really necessary to mess with Whopper perfection? Or the strawberry milkshake ones? Shudder. I am still browsing the candy section in SD on occasion for the chocolate bar with the bits of bacon in it -- yes, bacon and chocolate. Two perfect foods in one. YUM. I picked one up in Florida and wished I would've bought two. Okay, two hundred.

And this is embarrassing to admit, but I am a sucker for...mascara. I see 14XXXXX the Volume!!! and my eyes glaze over with lust. I imagine my eyelashes so long and lush that when I blink I actually mess up my bangs. Seriously. Brown-black, black, blackest black, black noir (come ON, how much of a sucker was I for THAT one??) I even keep buying a brand that doesn't do crap for lengthening my lashes, but it smells like lilacs. Lilacs! How important is it that my freakin' eyelashes have the whimsical aroma of flowers? Very. I sniff that damn tube like a junkie--even when I'm not putting on my makeup I pick it up and inhale. I even texted my sister in law for Christ's sake about my latest mascara discovery.

The one new product I've managed to avoid buying is the automatic twirling mascara applicator. Oh, I've looked at it. Several times. Two things hold me back from that impulsive purchase - 1) I'm afraid I'll put my eye out. I'm still traumatized by what we here in the Armstrong house call the "eyelash curler" incident, 2) I'm pretty sure this brand won't smell like lilacs.

Share your cheap and embarrassing impulse buys FOFO's!

Thanks everyone who congratulated me on the Shamus. Still stunned, still thrilled that Karen and I were nominated together, still totally bummed I missed bar time networking at Bouchercon.

More on Bcon

I can't believe it's a week since I left for Bouchercon. The weekend flew by, and once I got back, life settled in again and I'm back in my routine. Alison said it's like going to summer camp and then suddenly having to be back at school. She's so right. (and yes, she does snore)  

Other Bcon observations:

• The Weber Grill was everywhere. Really. Every corner you'd turn, there was the Weber Grill. And yet it still  managed to stay in one place. It was like a magic trick.
• Kudos to the organizers for the Gameworks evening. Free arcade games in the mall. Clair and I played a lot of air hockey, raced cars, and even shot big game (I kept shooting the bear cubs by accident, a huge no-no, but I'm no Sarah Palin).
• I had no idea Indiana still allowed smoking in bars. I thought every state had banned that.
• Despite my whining about the time of my panel, we had quite the crowd to listen to our stories about our book "hooks." Seems not everyone wanted to hear Michael Connelly, Sue Grafton and Sara Paretsky talk about Poe.
• I had to sign next to Sara Paretsky, whose line stretched far past the couple of people in mine. She's lovely and elegant and I fear I was a gushy fangirl. And I wanted to swipe one of the Tshirts she was giving away.
• Judy Bobalik tells the long handled saucepan story so well that I thought Martyn Waites would spit out his food he was laughing so hard.
• In my signing line, a woman showed me her tattoos but she didn't have me sign a book.

Today's question is one I had to compose and then answer on my Bcon panel. Our moderator asked us to think of a question no one had ever asked us that we wanted to be asked.

Which reality show would you want to be on?

Karen

I just flew back from Indianapolis and boy are my arms tired...

By Alison

Okay, so maybe my arms aren't that tired, but the whole rest of me sure is. As usual, Bouchercon was a drinking networking frenzy, and after three days of shouting in bars bouncing all my brilliant ideas off my editor, my voice is completely shot -- and the brain feels like the voice sounds. So I'm just gonna post a few random thoughts I took away from this year's BCon, where LORI ARMSTRONG WON THE SHAMUS and I talked to all sorts of people about what a fantastic writer Jeff is (including his fabulous agent) and NEITHER ONE OF THEM SHOWED UP. Okay... aside from that...

1. I didn't get thrown up on this year, which is a good thing. BUT... So I was in this bar, and I order their special pumpkin lager beer and the bartender hands it to me in a nice tall glass with whipped cream and cinnamon on top! Has anyone ever heard of this before?? I probably should have asked more questions when the bartender asked me if I was lactose intolerant... Then there was another time I ordered an ice coffee in a restaurant and the waitress looked at me as if I'd asked for whipped cream on my beer. "You... you mean you want me to... pour coffee... over ice?" She brought me a glass of warm coffee with three ice cubes inside. In short, Indianapolis confused me.

2. I really think there should be a graphic novels panel next year -- and I'm not just saying that because I'm working on a graphic novel. Will, our editor from DC Comics was there and hanging out with him, I was surprised at the number of writers who came up and told him they've either been working on a graphic novel or have a great idea for a graphic novel or have always wanted to write a graphic novel. Actually, I wasn't surprised. Comics are cool and fun. Let's have a panel.

3. If you build a panel,  people will come. I went to several panels that were standing room only. Mine was at 9 am and I figured maybe we'd have 2, 3 people there and even for that, the room was full. Hats off to the organizers who put together a terrific and varied schedule.

4. Karen says I snore.

5. You can walk for five or six miles down the street in Indianapolis at 9 at night and not run into a single solitary other person whom you can ask for directions. This happened to Jennifer McMahon and me after the HarperCollins party and I thought we were gonna wind up in the wilds of Indiana and have to start cannibalizing each other in order to survive before we found someone to tell us where the freakin' hotel was and man was I wearing such the wrong shoes.

6. I love writing. Much as I complain about it, it's really wonderful I get paid to do what I've wanted to do since I was a kid and hearing such talented people talking about writing -- not to mention hanging out with my fantastic new editors -- was reenergizing for me.

So time to stop blogging and start writing... After I pour myself a nice tall whipped cream-and-beer.

What did you take home from Bouchercon? Writing tips? Swine flu? A big fat hangover? Talk to me...

YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN US???

You may notice that the post prior to this was a quick little ditty congratulating Lori on winning the Shamus over the weekend. I have a feeling that it was typed at the end of a bar with vodka stained fingers.

Sometimes we post quick things on the weekends that tend to get lost in the shuffle, but I wanted to make sure that this doesn't get lost in the shuffle: both Karen and Lori were nominated for the PWA Shamus for Best Paperback Original - Karen for Shot Girl and Lori for Snow Blind - and Lori won, ruining the FO's perfect record of winning diddly squat at Bouchercon. Way to raise the bar off the floor, Armstrong. Way. To. Go. YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN US??? DO YOU???

Anyway, let's spend the day celebrating Lori's victory. If you'd like to send her a gift, might I suggest a live monkey...that can sing Born To Run...
Jeff

BABES IN JOYLAND
There are no babes today unless you find Hall and Oates to be babe worthy. (Terrenoire, I'm looking at you.) But I thought we could spend the day listening to this to help us celebrate the nominations and the victory and the beginning of FO world domination.

BREAKING NEWS!

Reporting live (and hungover) from Bouchercon to let you all know...

LORI ARMSTRONG WON THE SHAMUS AWARD!

That's right. Our own Lori G. won the Shamus for Best Paperback Original for her wonderful SNOW BLIND! She was awarded the Shamus last night and accepted her award by phone because she is not freakin here. We wish you were, Lori! CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Just The Facts

Lori here~

As you know, I write erotic romance under the name Lorelei James. I write for Samhain Publishing, which puts the books out in multiple ebook formats first, then in trade paperback ten months later. Since 2006, I've had a foot in both the traditional publishing world, and with a digital publisher, so I've got some experience and an opinion.

I've built up a backlist fairly quickly as an erotic romance writer, which was intentional, albeit left me with a grueling writing schedule. The thing is, I'm just as proud of the contemporary erotic westerns as I am of the mysteries. I laugh when the uninformed sniff that ebooks aren't "real books" because you can't get a paper cut when you read it. I know there are digital houses out there with shitty editing, shitty covers, and those places give all digital publishers an undeserved bad rap. However, I'll point out, after 13 books with Samhain, my covers consistently rock, and my editorial process with them is more intensive with each book than the process I went through with any Medallion book.

For content, I get that explicit sex isn't everyone's cup of tea. It's just like everything else in life: if you don't like it, don't buy it. But if you don't buy it, don't diss it -- because you don't know what the hell you're talking about.

And that statement includes the phenomenon known as kindle.

I've watched my digital sales increase dramatically the last year -- a large portion of that is due to kindle. But an even larger reason nearly all the Lorelei James books are consistently under the 1000 sales ranking mark for ALL books in the kindle store, not just the romance section, is because of price point. The books are a bargain, so readers who might not ordinarily pick up a contemporary erotic western, see it's not going to break the bank if they decide to download a Lorelei James book. And then they're happy that it's a damn good read.

Win win situation for me, for my publisher, for amazon.com because they set the discount prices, but mostly it's a win win situation for readers.

I'm not as gutsy as Joe Konrath, who posted his kindle sales numbers yesterday. But this is easily one of the best/smartest/most informative articles on digital publishing I've come across. Take the time to read it. Seriously.

Joe Konrath Blog on Kindle/ebook stats