What Jeff is glad he missed at Bouchercon. Part 1: Getting vomitted on.

Dear Jeff,

You suck for not coming to Bouchercon. It was fun, and we missed you and you suck for not coming. I know I already said that but it bears repeating because you do. Suck. For not coming.

Nonetheless, rather than telling you how much you suck (which you do)  I thought I'd tell you something that really happened to me on Saturday night. Something that might make you feel, if not entirely glad you stayed home, then at least glad you're not me.

I was vomitted on.

It happened after the NAL cocktail party (which you didn't go to with me. Therefore you suck. There were free eggrolls, for godsakes!) Jason Starr and Michele Gagnon and I ran into  Martyn Waites at the bar and we all decided to go out to dinner. We walked over to this place which is supposed to have good chicken pot pie and we all ordered drinks and dinner and we were sitting there for about five minutes. Michele asks me if I've heard any good celebrity gossip, when out of the blue, some college girl walks up and pukes all over my shoe and purse. Did I mention the shoe was a sandal?  She borked all over my BARE FOOT, Jeff, before I could even say one thing about Tom Cruise. I was horrified.

Meanwhile, instead of helping us clean up or asking if I was okay, the staff was shouting at the girl, telling her she wasn't allowed to throw up in the kitchen sink which was where she was headed rather quickly. (It's just fine if you throw up all over that poor woman's bare foot, but pleeeeease keep away from our precious sink!) Jason ran into the kitchen and got wet towels and disinfectant for my purse, while I cleaned up my foot as best I could and the staff completely ignored us.

Then, THEN, after I'm reasonably puke-free, we tell them we're leaving, and the guy at the door finally looks at us. "You have to pay for your drinks," he says.

Now I'm sorry. But don't you think my foot being the bulls-eye for some drunk girl's technicolor yawn should at least merit free beers????  Unbelievable!

Here's the funny part, though. We all went back to the hotel bar, and when we got there... I don't know whether Jason and Michele and Martyn were texting people about this or what, but it seemed like almost immediately, I was famous. People -- I'm talking dozens of Bouchercon attendees, some of whom I didn't even know very well -- were running up to me, a look of awe in their eyes, saying things like "Hey! I heard you got yakked on!"

Now don't get me wrong. I'd like to be famous just as much as the next person. I just never figured it would be for something that... stupid.

Anyway, Jeff. I hope this little story makes you feel better.

You still suck, though.

Your Fellow First Offender,

Alison

PS. If anyone else would like to tell Jeff how much he sucks, feel free. Otherwise, tell us about the worst thing that happened to you at Bouchercon.

Comments

[norby]

Wow, that would be horrid. For the record, if you had been in my restaurant, your drinks totally would have been free. And one of my employees would have been helping you clean up.

[Clair Lamb]

In the interests of karma, you should name the restaurant, Alison. And I think you win for worst story.

The only bad thing that happened to me was learning more than I needed to know about the history of beer...

Does anyone else have a sore throat and a cough? I suspect something was going around.

But you still suck for not being there, Jeff.

[Jen of a2eatwrite]

Too bad it wasn't a celeb who did that. You could have used that. OTOH, you still could.

[AlisonGaylin]

Clair you make a very valid point. It was Burke's. That's right. BURKE'S.
Resume.

[Wilfred Bereswill]

Let's see, I got to know Alison, (I don't have texting on my phone so I didn't hear about the hurling event)Lori, Bryon and Karen. But, because you suck, Jeff, I didn't get to meet you.

Yeah and Damn that Joe Konrath for not letting me speak in the Beer Panel. Just because I work for a beer company.

Oh yeah. I almost forgot, Jeff. You suck for not being there to wipe the puke off Alison's shoes.

[Jeff Shelby]

Why, oh why, would you think I'd be GLAD to have missed seeing some coed yak all over you? You don't think that would've made my list of Top Five Things I've Ever Seen In My Life??? You don't think that would've been right up there with having watched you dump a drink in Powerful Editor's lap or watching Doolittle dump a drink on you???

It's like you don't even know me...

[Mary Stella]

Wow, that totally tops my story of a friend hurling on me in a limo.

Public puking-on is the worst. That restaurant should have comped your drinks and your appetizers and offered you use of the manager's office to clean your shoe, foot and handbag.

[Laura L.]

I KNEW it was Burke's before I checked the comments. And, yes, I'm here breaking my blogosphere moratorium because I needed to know about the vomit. It is THE story of Bouchercon.

Burke's was where reporters went when nothing else was open late at night. There is so much salt in the food at Burke's that one time, the day after a friend's going-away party, I went to buy a lipstick and the salesgirl said, "Why are you so terribly swollen?"

Also, hasn't it occurred to anyone that Jeff sent that college girl/assassin?

[AlisonGaylin]

Laura, I could have sworn someone said you had RECOMMENDED Burke's! Clearly, that person didn't understand sarcasm. (Good thought re: Jeff, too. I'm looking into this, Shelby.)

Mary, I don't know. A limo may be more elegant than Burkes, but at least I could escape without serious injury.

Will, are you saying that getting to know me, Karen, Lori and Bryon was the worst thing to happen to you at Boucercon? Clarify please.

Jen, she could have been a celeb. I didn't get a good look at her face -- just what was coming out of it. Next time, I'm going to Norby's.

Jeff, true. But if you had been there, you might have been sitting in my chair... Oh yeah. I almost forgot. You suck.

[Stacey Cochran]

I was really impressed with the heroic drinking at this year's Bouchercon... if you saw Brett Battles Saturday night (I love you, Brett), then you k-n-o-w what I mean.

Holy shit, Brett, you wuz wasted.

I loved catching up with everyone, but I do wonder if that degree of drinking is necessary.

I know y'all will hate me for saying it.

I had a great time everyone, and, Laura, you were so completely wonderful on your interview Sunday morning, I don't even know where to begin.

I love y'all so much.

[Laura L.]

Well, I admit that when some other friends told me they had gone to Burke's and it went well for them (i.e., no vomit), I mentioned it was one of the old journo hang-outs.

But it was NOT on my official restaurant guide.

[Wilfred Bereswill]

I was at Burke's for a lunch on Saturday. I know what Alison means about the staff being apathetic.

OH, and Stacey, it was nice meeting you for a late dinner Saturday.

[J.D. Rhoades]

So we're all in agreement then that Jeff sucks?

[David Terrenoire]

I didn't nbeed this story to know that Jeff sucks, but it helped.

[Wilfred Bereswill]

I think we are, Dusty.

(Jeff, sorry, but Alison made me say those things. She may be petite, but she scares the hell out of me.)

[Stacey Cochran]

You and Linda made for one of the best dinner conversations I've had in a while, Will. I have a new appreciation for Blues hockey.

[Karen Olson]

I'm so late to the party today!

I'm just glad I had other plans that night or I probably would've been with Alison, and I just don't do well with vomiting. Me or anyone else.

I had wondered where Jason got the Clorox. Like, did he carry it on his person? At least they gave him something to clean you up with.

Oh, yeah, and Jeff sucks for not being there. Mostly he sucks because we all really really wanted to see him. Especially Jim Born.

[Lori G. Armstrong]

Alison, you have the worst luck...but the greatest story so far, so it ain't all bad, eh?

Jason must've done a fab job cleaning you up because the room did not smell like barf when I stumbled in :)

[Keith Raffel]

Jeff, You may suck (or maybe not) but you can take consolation in not being on a plane home Sunday when the Chargers finally beat the Pats.

[Michelle Gagnon]

Maybe I'm just a hopeless narcissist, but why is Alison getting all the sympathy here? I was about to hear some incredible tidbit of celeb gossip, then Alison got all distracted by the vomit. I mean really, Alison, try to focus.
And for the record, that was not a sink she puked in, it was the ice sink. As in, the sink that all the ice was held in, for those hideous drinks they wanted us to pay for. And i'm going to put money on the fact that based on employee response, that ice was not changed post-puke. So anyone who ate at Burke's after 8PM Sat night: I feel for you, and hope you got the bottled beer (I actually always buy bottled bar in places like that. Former-bartender safety standards.)
Jeff, you suck. And Brett, next time you get that drunk, we're siccing Liz Zelvin on you.

[AlisonGaylin]

So I'm really supposed to believe that my getting puked on and Jeff sucking are the only bad things to happen to anyone at Bouchercon? I KNOW for a fact that isn't true. (Paging Robert Gregory Browne...)Michelle, I promise I'll collect some great gossip for the next time we meet up -- and I'll wear rain boots or something so I don't lose my train of thought.

[Jason Starr]

I always have Clorox Wipes on hand, just in case I need to clean vomit off purses at restaurants recommended by Laura Lippman (need to keep the myth alive)

[Clair Lamb]

Dang -- Jennifer Jordan and I and a few other suspects were at Burke's late Thursday night. No hurling, but the bartender gave us tips on winning at poker in Atlantic City. I guess that was lucky in more ways than one...

[Bryon Quertermous]

Wow. I can't think of anything bad that happened. It was a perfect time and I feel bad for anyone who missed it.

Ahem.

Well, we did get awful service at a Hooters in the mountains of Pennsylvania that delayed our trip by about two hours. Yes Karen, another Hooters.

[Jake Nantz]

Yeah, the public nature of that story tops mine, but not by much. Bless your heart.

I once brought a date back to my old 3rd floor condo to watch a movie after dinner one night, and we were on the bottom floor of the stairwell when the coed across the hall from me puked outside her own front door. Yep, wood floors at each level. Not too tightly put together. Plenty of space between the boards.

Well, at least I didn't get puked on. But shall we say that the evening (and any chance of another date) did not go quite as pleasantly as I had hoped.