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Way back when, I lived with a guy for two years (we were together for four years). When I was moving out, he felt compelled to lock my cat in the bathroom and said he would keep her until I paid him enough to cover the apartment for another month.

So yes, he held my cat hostage. And I paid the ransom request, writing him a check to get her back.

I lived with a woman for several years and when I'd finally had enough of her violent, crazy behavior (she once opend my car's hood and started randomly pulling out wires to keep me from leaving an argument) I told her I was leaving.

Her response?

"Who's going to pay my bills?"

Nothing beats true love.

Jeff, More evidence of you as the prototypical sensitive, caring male.

I don't like to talk about my relationships.


Jeff, how the hell did you end up married again?

Jeff, I bet your ex hated the Sopranos finale even more than I did.

OK, I'll 'fess up to being on the other side of the crazy breakup. Years ago, I was living with a perfectly nice man, but I guess the relationship had run its course. One day I came home and he was home, sick with a cold, eating Kentucky Fried Chicken in bed. I don't recall clearly what happened next, but I know I threw that fried chicken - piece by piece -out the window.

It became clear to us both that it was time to break up.

I don't do that anymore.

(Just realized that this response coupled with my upcoming guest blog will not encourage any of you to have anything to do with me. But, I swear, I'm no longer dangerous!)

I called to break up with a guy and started the conversation with "It's Louise."

"Louise who?"

Shortest break up call in history.

I remember breaking up with a guy because when we kissed he had to mop my face with his hankerchief, which he thoughtfully kept at the ready. The rash got too difficult to explain.

In the two months before I ended my engagement, I locked myself out of the apartment we shared three times.

I've never locked myself out of my own home since.

Journey suxx. I just needed to say that.

I had a guy break up with me because I smoked. I'm like - You smoke pot, and cigarettes are somehow...worse?


Come to think of it, he liked Journey too.

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