Seems like everyone always gets grumpy around Christmas. As someone who has always loved Christmas, I just let them rant about all the “pressure” they are supposedly feeling around the holidays and then when they look at me, waiting for me to validate their litany of bitching and whining, I pull out a candy cane from the unlimited supply of candy canes I keep in my pockets, unwrap it, lick it and then rub it all over their face, saying “Does this make it better? Does it???”
Enough with the bah-humbugging, you fun-hating, soul-sucking, Christmas hatemongers. Get over yourself. Santa hates all your self-perpetuated stress. Santa says suck it up.
Here are my five favorite things about Christmas:
1. Stockings. I love getting all the useless crap that I always get in my stocking. Plastic games, gum, baseball cards, People magazine. For the last fifteen yrs, I’ve gotten the year end double issue of People in my stocking. It makes great post-Christmas meal reading.
2. Tacky houses. Nothing gives me a greater thrill than seeing what people will put in their front yards and around their homes. We spend many nights driving around, giggling and pointing.
3. Christmas cards. I like getting cards with pictures of all of our friends and their kids, but I REALLY like getting those letters that tell you what they’ve done for the past twelve months. Particularly the ones that are poorly written and describe in detail Uncle Joe’s latest bout with constipation.
4. Wrapping presents. Now, my wife doesn’t allow me to wrap many presents because I possess all the wrapping skill of a one armed monkey who’s missing two fingers. But I do get to wrap her presents and I love how she examines each one, eyeing the torn corners, the horrific misuse of tape and just shakes her head. Makes me feel all warm inside.
5. Getting presents. Duh. I don’t know a single person who does not like getting gifts. All that stuff about how it’s better to give than receive? Utter crap. It is AWESOME to open a present that you truly wanted and that you truly didn’t know you were going to get.
What’s your one favorite thing about Christmas? (And I swear – if there are any of you who think you’re clever by saying “My favorite thing is when it’s over. Haha. I’m funny. Get it? See what I just did there? When. It’s. Over. I'm funny like Jim Born is funny. Haha.”, I will delete your comment. Get in the spirit, goddamnit.)
Jeff
I love it after all the guests have gone on Christmas Eve, after all the dishes have been done and the wrapping thrown out, after we've stuffed the stockings for Christmas morning. We turn out all the lights except the ones on the tree and we settle in and watch "The Christmas Story" in its loop on TBS.
Is that warm and fuzzy enough for you, Mr. Shelby?
Posted by: Karen Olson | December 20, 2007 at 10:17 AM
I just got my favorite thing about Christmas: a bonus check.
What? It made ME feel all warm and fuzzy.
Posted by: David Terrenoire | December 20, 2007 at 10:22 AM
Karen - warm and fuzzy enough. Well done.
David - see? It's all about the getting, not the giving.
Posted by: Jeff Shelby | December 20, 2007 at 10:41 AM
Dammit, I tried to post a comment earlier and it apparently didn's post. I agree that most holiday stress is self-perpetuating and my favorite place at Christmas is the shrine to holiday stress: the mall. I love malls during the rest of the year, but I REALLY love them at Christmas. This year it was even better because I got to take my dog with me to see Santa.
Shut up.
Posted by: Bryon Quertermous | December 20, 2007 at 11:30 AM
Bryon - your comment probably didn't post because I have the spam filter set really high and I believe it blocks comments from anyone who takes their dog to the mall to see Santa.
Posted by: Jeff Shelby | December 20, 2007 at 12:10 PM
My sisters and brothers and I laugh like loons whenever we get together, and keep a succession of goofy movies in the DVD player -- "Spinal Tap," "So I Married an Axe Murderer," and of course "A Christmas Story." This year I think we're adding "Superbad," but only after the little ones have gone to bed.
Posted by: Clair Lamb | December 20, 2007 at 12:14 PM
I love Christmas. For Jews, it's sort of a guilty pleasure like ham, which I love too. If I were to name one favorite thing about it, it would be my daughter's face when she sees all the presents from Santa. I know we won't have too much longer with her believing in him (when she was three, she said, "How come Santa has the same wrapping paper we do?") so I'm trying to enjoy it as much as I can for the time being.
Posted by: AlisonGaylin | December 20, 2007 at 01:07 PM
Ah, Alison, you have to have a secret stash of wrapping paper that the child never knows about. Our Santa always has different paper, thus perpetuating the myth even longer.
Posted by: Karen Olson | December 20, 2007 at 01:17 PM
Yes, Karen! We learned from our mistakes and now have the secret stash of Santa Wrapping paper. Last year, though, she said, "If Santa's at the mall, then how come his sleigh isn't in the parking lot?" (She came to her own conclusion he sends "imposters" to certain appearances he doesn't want to go to. But still...)
Posted by: AlisonGaylin | December 20, 2007 at 02:17 PM
I love Christmas because that's the night I met Mr. LGA. Best. Present. Ever.
Posted by: Lori G. Armstrong | December 20, 2007 at 02:22 PM
And yes, sweetheart, if you're reading this and going...awww...I DO expect bling under the tree from you this year - diamonds would be nice - because I know the size of your...bonus check.
Posted by: Lori G. Armstrong | December 20, 2007 at 02:23 PM
Jeff: it's disturbing how much we're alike in this: I too love the silly little stocking stuff. I too, like to take the family on drives to find the tackiest Christmas displays (the perennial local winner: Bob's Pizza on US #1, which has a light display that can be seen from space). I too an am inept wrapper, and as for getting presents...oh, yeah.
What do you think this means?
Alison, Karen: Santa presents are never wrapped. They're left next to or under the tree. Duh.
Posted by: J.D. Rhoades | December 20, 2007 at 06:02 PM
Dusty - I think this means that at some pt in our lives, we need to spend the holidays together.
And I'm totally with you - Santa does NOT wrap presents. No brainer right there.
Posted by: Jeff Shelby | December 20, 2007 at 06:20 PM
I find this wrapped/unwrapped Santa presents issue interesting. We should take a poll. Growing up, we ALWAYS found our Santa presents wrapped in plain red tissue paper in and next to our stockings on the hearth.
So who gets wrapped Santa presents and whose are unwrapped?
Posted by: Karen Olson | December 20, 2007 at 07:00 PM
I always got wrapped Santa presents! (Of course, like I said, I'm a Jew so what the hell do I know?)
Posted by: AlisonGaylin | December 20, 2007 at 07:43 PM
No wrapping.
The best part of Christmas morning is walking out into the living room and seeing something brand new immediately, like Santa just yanked it out of his bag and set it there for you.
Posted by: Jeff Shelby | December 20, 2007 at 08:07 PM
Favorite things? Home made gifts. Nothing better then getting something someone made for you. Or making something for someone you care about.
We wrap now, but growing up we woke up to all the presents set up under the tree ready to play with. We were very poor so I think it was an economical decision on my parents part. I think that was better waking up to see the stuff under the lights of the tree, but the dh likes wrapping...
Posted by: Jeannie | December 20, 2007 at 08:07 PM
Shortbread Cookies.
I also have wrap just from Santa. And remember to sign the tag with your non-writing hand. (Bonkers I know) I only know one person who didn't get wrapped presents. She thinks us wrappers are crazy.
Posted by: Chris | December 20, 2007 at 08:59 PM
Chris,
My wife and I have this family schism, too!
I believe everything should be wrapped. She says no.
I think it comes from our backgrounds. My mother dusted the cans in the pantry. Her mother hired a maid.
Posted by: David Terrenoire | December 20, 2007 at 09:01 PM
I've come to really enjoy the leadup to Christmas. Granted, our Christmases have moved to an aunt's house in recent years, so there's less prep, but I find the anticipation as valuable if not more than the actual day. I can't enjoy the day, after all, if I haven't gotten in the mood beforehand.
Posted by: Gerald So | December 21, 2007 at 01:35 AM
Santa gifts...unwrapped.
Posted by: Lori G. Armstrong | December 21, 2007 at 07:43 AM
Lori - so this means Mr. LGA was "unwrapped" when you "received" him?
Just checking...
Posted by: Jeff Shelby | December 21, 2007 at 08:13 AM
My Santa gifts were wrapped, but I always wondered why his handwriting was just like my dad's, and why Santa wanted a beer instead of milk.
I like getting presents, but I really like buying things for everyone and watching them open the gifts I bought for them.
For the record, I'm a horrible gift wrapper too. My presents end up with a lot of tape on them.
Posted by: norby | December 21, 2007 at 10:04 AM
Funny. Ha ha.
Jim Born
Posted by: James O. Born | December 21, 2007 at 10:24 AM
Karen, that's so weird. My Santa presents were wrapped in plain red tissue, too. Sometimes they had a Christmas seal on the outside...you know...the ones you got in the mail for free. Maybe Santa just ran out of tissue before he got to Jeff's house.
Posted by: patty smiley | December 21, 2007 at 05:51 PM