First Offenders

Happy Holidays!

The First Offenders are taking the holidays off to celebrate with family and friends. We'll be back after the New Year. Happy Holidays!

Be Merry. Or Else.

Seems like everyone always gets grumpy around Christmas. As someone who has always loved Christmas, I just let them rant about all the “pressure” they are supposedly feeling around the holidays and then when they look at me, waiting for me to validate their litany of bitching and whining, I pull out a candy cane from the unlimited supply of candy canes I keep in my pockets, unwrap it, lick it and then rub it all over their face, saying “Does this make it better? Does it???”

Enough with the bah-humbugging, you fun-hating, soul-sucking, Christmas hatemongers. Get over yourself. Santa hates all your self-perpetuated stress. Santa says suck it up.

Here are my five favorite things about Christmas:

1. Stockings. I love getting all the useless crap that I always get in my stocking. Plastic games, gum, baseball cards, People magazine. For the last fifteen yrs, I’ve gotten the year end double issue of People in my stocking. It makes great post-Christmas meal reading.

2. Tacky houses. Nothing gives me a greater thrill than seeing what people will put in their front yards and around their homes. We spend many nights driving around, giggling and pointing.

3. Christmas cards. I like getting cards with pictures of all of our friends and their kids, but I REALLY like getting those letters that tell you what they’ve done for the past twelve months. Particularly the ones that are poorly written and describe in detail Uncle Joe’s latest bout with constipation.

4. Wrapping presents. Now, my wife doesn’t allow me to wrap many presents because I possess all the wrapping skill of a one armed monkey who’s missing two fingers. But I do get to wrap her presents and I love how she examines each one, eyeing the torn corners, the horrific misuse of tape and just shakes her head. Makes me feel all warm inside.

5. Getting presents. Duh. I don’t know a single person who does not like getting gifts. All that stuff about how it’s better to give than receive? Utter crap. It is AWESOME to open a present that you truly wanted and that you truly didn’t know you were going to get.

What’s your one favorite thing about Christmas? (And I swear – if there are any of you who think you’re clever by saying “My favorite thing is when it’s over. Haha. I’m funny. Get it? See what I just did there? When. It’s. Over. I'm funny like Jim Born is funny. Haha.”, I will delete your comment. Get in the spirit, goddamnit.)
Jeff

Joining the List bandwagon

It’s that time of the year again. The Silly Season. And with it, come all those Best Of lists.

I took a little time off reading crime fiction this year while writing SHOT GIRL. I needed to keep my head clear for that one, and I ended up reading a new Anne Boleyn biography by Joanna Denny that was mesmerizing and re-reading Alison Weir’s HENRY VIII: THE KING AND HIS COURT. I’m now deep into David Starkey’s SIX WIVES. Yes, to keep my head clear for writing about murder, I read about a king who beheaded two of his wives. Somehow, it makes sense to me.

But I did read some good crime fiction this year, although not all the books I enjoyed in 2007 were published in 2007.  So my list contains books that are a little bit older, and one that isn’t even out yet. Alison’s TRASHED and Lori’s SHALLOW GRAVE were among my top reads for the year, but in the face of fairness and possible accusations of bias, I’m not including them here.

Here’s my Top 10 list, but in no particular order:

1. RED CAT by Peter Spiegelman.  I love Peter’s John March series, but this book took it to a whole different level.

2. SHARP OBJECTS by Gillian Flynn. I hadn’t read this before it was nominated for a Best First Edgar and won a gazillion other awards, but it’s been six months since I read it, and it still haunts me.

3. WHAT THE DEAD KNOW by Laura Lippman. By far one of the best books I’ve read in a long time, and the only non-Henry VIII themed book I made an exception for last spring.

4. PISTOL POETS by Victor Gischler. I couldn’t decided if I liked this more than GUN MONKEYS (which I also read this year), and finally decided that I did, although GUN MONKEYS has the best first line EVER.

5. SOLOMON VS. LORD by Paul Levine. I read this on vacation in Quebec this summer. I hadn’t discovered this series before, but intend to read the rest of it soon. Hilarious.

6. THE CLEANUP by Sean Doolittle. No, this isn’t about anyone spilling a drink on anyone else. It’s one helluva book.

7. SAFE AND SOUND by JD Rhoades. I love Jack Keller. And I can’t wait to see what happens next. Because Dusty has teased us with the ending in this one. I hate that.

8. THE FAULT TREE by Louise Ure. Earlier this year, I had the honor of reading and blurbing this book, which will be out in January. Louise won the Shamus in 2006 for FORCING AMARYLLIS. This one is even better.

9. SHORT CHANGE by Patricia Smiley. The charming Tucker Sinclair is back in her third adventure, but will Deegan be back in the next? Love this series.

10. THE FOLLOWER by Jason Starr. I didn’t always like these characters, but the story was compelling just the same. Made me happy I wasn’t in my 20s and living in Manhattan.

What were your favorite crime fiction reads this year?

Karen

Withoutline

By Alison

So, I'm chugging towards the finish line on my WIP. Everything is going according to plan, with the big confrontation scene between a possible killer and someone near and dear to her/him (Sorry for the vagueness, but I don't want to give crap away.) Near-and-Dear is bludgeoning Possible Killer with questions -- it's clear NaD is onto PK's deepest darkest secret life. What was supposed to happen -- or at least what I thought would happen -- was a big argument, culminating in PK admitting the truth... well, some of the truth. But what did happen was PK locked him/herself in the bathroom and overdosed on Valium.

I wasn't expecting that.

This WIP -- now officially titled HEARTLESS for those of you who remember my titling trauma -- has been a totally different experience for me that TRASHED or YOU KILL ME because everything pretty much after chapter two has been written without the aid of an outline. I know who the killer is, his/her motivations, backstory etc. I know who is going to get killed and why and how, and I have the last scene in my head, but, while TRASHED had an outline of 36 single-spaced pages I abandonned HEARTLESS' outline after the second chapter because it just wasn't working. As a result, my characters will just up and do things like attempt suicide, and I'm left there at my keyboard going... okay. Now what? Sometimes, I've wound up taking these actions back, rewriting 30 or 40 pages in order to accomodate the change, but other times, the plot has wound up going in a direction I actually like. The jury's still out on the Diezepam OD, but for now... for all my bitching and moaning about how much I suck (and yeah, I still think I do) I'm really enjoying this risky, safety-net free writing experience. With my characters a little freer to act on their own, without a plot being imposed on them, I feel like I'm writing something a little more character-driven this time around...  which could either be a good or a bad thing. I'll let you know.

But I do have to say, it's a fun (if sometimes terrifying) experiment -- and anyway, it's only the first draft.

Have you ever written something on deadline without an outline? If so, how did it turn out?

What's In Your Holiday Music CD Player?

Typepad hates me this week. It won't let me comment on ANY blog, even this one. So if your blog uses Typepad and I haven't commented like I normally do, that's why. I'm fucking spam, apparently. And if I don't comment on your comments here, don't take it personally.

I've been sick. I've been busy trying to beat the clock on deadlines. I've had bad news on a family matter. Oh, and there's this thing called Christmas around the corner - anyone heard of it?

We did get the tree up. While we were decorating we followed our tradition of listening to our selection of Holiday tunes. Our family favorites are Harry Connick Jr., a compilation of 60's stars including Steve Lawrence and Edye Gormet, The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, and Robert Goulet. Then there's the 80's Christmas CD with our personal favorite, Billy Squier's "Christmas Is a Time To Say I Love You" and Hall and Oates "Jingle Bell Rock" and the Waitresses' "Christmas Wrapping." Yeah, I like traditional music too, but very little purely instrumental...unless it's one of Brian Setzer Orchestra's rockin' tunes or my uber-talented daughters whipping out a live string trio.

So, I'm at my hairdresser's the other day and he asked me if I went to hear Brule', which is a Native American Band who have a killer show with drums and reeds and singing and dancing and I said - no. He asked me if I went to the Ozzy Osbourne/Rob Zombie concert a few weeks back, which had all of the topless shots and pornographic images as a backdrop like you'll find at the Buffalo Chip in Sturgis. Sadly, I said - no. (Yes, he knows my taste in music very well) Then we talked about some upcoming music shows, and he said he was listening to Alice Cooper's radio show and he heard Godsmack's version of...Silent Night. Let me repeat that: Godsmack singing Silent Night.

Anyone know where I can get a copy? Because I have been officially banned from purchasing any additional Christmas music for the Armstrong clan.

Why?

Because of Dwight Yoakam. See, I LOVE Dwight, and I've been a huge fan of his since before he became big. Since he played up in Belle Fourche during the Belle Fourche 4th of July Rodeo and Stampede. I adore twangy country music (as well as headbanging rock) so when I saw Dwight had a Christmas CD out a few years back...I had to buy it. Omigod, it is so awesome. I love it.

But I'm the only one who loves it. Whenever I put it on, family members scatter like buckshot. Hearing Dwight whine "Silent Night"? Awesome. Hearing Dwight twang through "Away In a Manger"? Priceless. But the crowning glory, besides the rockabilly version of "Run Run Rudolph" and "Here Comes Santa Claus" is the song which should be the redneck Christmas anthem: Santa Can't Stay - and here's a teaser of the fine fine lyrics which make up this song:

Momma said Santa can't stay
said she told him that twice yesterday
then a car just like Dad's
pulled out and drove away
after momma said Santa couldn't stay

They both heard him coming
I saw Mom run down the hall and holler
Doug you're drunk don't come inside
I'm not joking I've had all this I can take

He threw a present really hard
that almost hit Mom's new boyfriend Ray
and he yelled ho-ho, lucky for you she's here
and said that Santa can't stay

So what are some of your family favorite tunes? Do you have a love/hate with any one in particular?

Payback

I'll just say two things:

1. Imitation, such as it is, is the sincerest form of flattery.

2. At least I didn't wear a shirt in my video that said "WRITER." Maybe he's the guy who would actually wear Terrenoire's stupid hat.

Feel free to leave your thoughts here or over at Mr. Born's fine blog, Naked Authors.
Jeff

It's all about you!

By Alison

You know those email questionaires? Every few months or so, a new one will make the rounds, with questions like What's on your IPod? What's your favorite alcoholic beverage? or When you were little, what did you want to be when you grow up? Basically, they're long lists of relatively pointless questions, sent by a friend (who has filled it out) to a group of friends, all of whom, presumably have too much time on their hands. Well...

I have a confession to make.

I ALWAYS answer those questionaires. I love them! I see one in my in-box, I stop whatever it is I'm doing (including and especially writing my book) and fill it out.  My good friend Paul sent me this. He really needs to know what the last movie I saw in a theater was, and he needs to know it now! Yeah, sure I'm busy but I can't let the poor guy down. He's asking me very important questions! The book can wait!

Of course, I know that these questionaires are not important at all. Actually, they're like... the opposite of important. But there is something I find so appealing about them. Maybe it's the idea of someone wanting to know that much harmless, trivial information about me.  Or it could be the chance to take a few minutes, put my characters aside... and just think about movies I've seen, stuff I like, the way I used to be when I was little... And, since you're always supposed to send your responses back to the sender,  it's fun to see what my friends have written too. Navel gazing truly does love company.

Or it could just be because I love to procrastinate.

Whatever. This is all on my mind, of course, because I recently got one of those questionaires (which I promptly filled out, of course). But I thought, instead of emailing it to the same old group of friends, I'd paste it here for you guys. I've included my responses to start you out (and I've also eliminated around 50 questions. These things tend to be too long....)  So go on.. Share! Or, if you hate these things, tell me why.

1. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate (but I like both.)

2. What was the last film you saw at a movie theater? The Lives of Others.

3. What is your Favorite TV show?  The Simpsons

4. . What do you usually have for breakfast?  Piece of crunchy toast.

5.  Favorite cuisine?  Japanese.

6. What is your middle name?  Lori.

7. What food do you dislike?   Brussels sprouts, foie gras.

8.  Favorite sandwich?  cheese tomato and oregano.

10. What characteristic(s) do you despise? Bloviating. Gasbaggery.
11.  Where would you retire to? Paris.
12. Favourite sport to watch? Basketball.
13. Are you a morning person or a night person? Night.
14. What is your shoe size? 7.
15. What did you want to be when you were little? Waitress.
16.  Favourite smell: Lilacs.
17. What are you afraid of? Death.

Your turn!

Playing with food

I like wasting time as much as the next guy. I play computer mahjong, and recently I discovered the site where I can play Space Invaders and Pacman and relive my college years. But my good friend Sandi Shelton has gotten me totally hooked on Free Rice.

Free Rice is a vocabulary game. It gives you a word and a multiple choice of definitions. If you get it right, you get a harder word. If you get it wrong, you get an easier word. And for each word you get right, 20 grains of rice are donated to the United Nations World Food Program.

So you can’t even think of this as a guilty pleasure. It’s actually Doing Good. Which means, of course, that there’s a lot more justification in playing.

And I love it. I love it when I figure out the definition of a word I don’t know.  I use the same sort of logic those kids on the annual national spelling bee do: I look at the word and then at the definitions and try to figure out the parts of the word that might give me clues. It totally makes you feel superior when you get the words right.

Now these are words that would never be on this blog. Because this blog’s reading level is at the elementary school level.

You can check your blog’s reading level at this site here or by clicking on the icon. I guess all the cussing that goes on over here that gave us an R rating is understandable to all those little kids.

So go play Free Rice and see if you can come up with a sentence made from the words you guess right that could get us at least to a middle school level.  Here’s mine — at 100 grains of rice:

The dutiful, urbane insurgent is a factious granger.

Karen

Two-Fer - Lori Guest Blogs On Murderati; She's December's Featured Author On New Mystery Reader

Lori here ~

My good pal Toni McGee Causey asked me to guest blog with the fine folks at Murderati - check out my research experience with the local police department and seeing firsthand what a Ginsu Steak Knife To The Head looks like.

Also, Stephanie Padilla at New Mystery Reader, selected yours truly as December's Author of the Month and she provided some thought provoking questions for me in the Q&A - check it out. Since there's no place for comments on there, I'd be happy to answer any questions here.

Guest blogger — Clea Simon

Today FO welcomes Clea Simon, author of the Theda Krakow mysteries. Her new book, CRIES AND WHISKERS, the third in the series, is out just in time for Christmas from Poisoned Pen Press.  I met Clea last year when we were on a panel together in Plymouth, Mass. I bought her second book, uncertain about the whole cat mystery thing. I like my mysteries a bit more hard-boiled. But Clea’s books surprised me. Her books have an edge to them, maybe it’s all that rock ‘n roll she deals with in her work as a music critic/writer. She did interview Alice Cooper last year. But whatever it is, when you read one of Clea’s books, you’ll find a lot more than you expected. So without any further ado, I give you Clea Simon:

    When did I become the neighborhood cat lady? Okay, yeah, I write mysteries with cats in them. They have cats on the cover and cat jokes in the titles. But still, did I really deserve the Crazy Cat Lady action figure one of my friends gave me for a recent birthday? And did all my other buddies have to nod in acknowledgment of what they, clearly, saw as the perfect gift?
    Let me state for the record. I have one cat. I have always only had one cat, though at times it has been a different cat. I am by nature more of a cat person than a dog person. That’s just the way I am. To me, they’re just cuter, quieter and cuddlier, than dogs. At heart I agree with Time columnist Joel Stein, who asked, “How can people love something so much that they're willing to walk behind it and retrieve its feces with their own hands every day?” (Scooping a litterbox is different. It just is. Email me if you want to get into it.)
    But the cats in my books are real cats. And real reviewers — i.e., not family — point out that while my mysteries are traditional, they are not cozy, or, well, not that overly cutesy cozy that has taken over the subgenre.  First Offenders author Karen Olson did me the honor of saying I had the “purr-fect dose of noir” in my latest, for which I’m most grateful (and for which I’ll forgive her that “purr-fect”). The cats in my book don’t solve the mysteries (though they may help). They don’t talk. They do real cat things, like fall asleep when people are talking to them. That’s why I love them. They’re real cats.
    I mean, I make a point of including real animal issues in my mysteries. That sounds awful – didactic, boring – and I hope it’s not. It’s just that when I hear about a cat hoarder (you know, the real “crazy cat ladies”?) I think, “There would be a lot of people who would want to kill a hoarder.” And when I learned about the animal rights vs. animal welfare debate – aka “all domestic animals are evil” vs. “pets are people, too,” to wildly oversimplify – I thought, “Wow, what a great motive for murder.” And I do hear about these things because I am on various cat chat groups and belong to sundry feline-affiliated organizations.
    But I’m not obsessed, okay? It’s just that I get so much more of my writing done when someone lays her furry little bulk down against my feet and then I can’t move because she’s just so adorable. But that’s just human. I mean, look at that face! And, please, stop laughing.