At first, I was going to write about my sweet new Pontiac G6, which is in reality one of those "midsize sedans that shows the world you've given up and now care about fuel economy", except for the fact that it has sweet fake chrome and a sporty tailpipe, so I feel like less of a sellout. I also love that the dash lights at night are red. Like some sorta spaceship. Take that, imports. Fucking red dash lights.
However, I'm too amused/nauseated by the tempest in a thimble going on over the Emerson LaSalle entry on Wikipedia, shining a light on some of the nerdiest nerds to ever nerd their nerditude--Wikidouches.
First, let's define our terms. The Urban Dictionary (itself a wiki) contains this possible definition, among seventy-six others, for Wikipedia: "stupid shit nobody cares about." So, it's an encyclopedia written by everyone about anything--except perhaps fictional characters, but we'll get to that later.
Maybe these Wikidouches are technically Wikidiots, who are, according to UD: "1) any person who accepts everything posted on Wikipedia as fact, 2) especially any person who knows that anyone can post on there and still uses it as an attempted credible source." However, the slang is a little loose, which means you can apparently also call them Wikidicks, Wikifascists, or Wikipedia Whores, I guess.
So according to those definitions, we're talking about people who take their Wiki seriously.
Thus the recent attempt to shut down the Emerson LaSalle entry on Wikipedia. As we know, Emerson is the brainchild of Victor Gischler. Sort of like an alter ego. He was a fun, crotchety old guy who wrote 400+ novels, had a hook for a hand, and was killed by a bear. And quite a few people had fun filling in Emerson's back catalog and life story (including critical appreciations, like the one attributed to me, A Life in Letters and Leather). In fact, one admirer created a LaSalle appreciation blog.
But let's get something straight here: the creator of Emerson LaSalle did not post the Wikipedia article. It was never supposed to be a hoax. It was a fictional character with a life of his own. He was a giant fucking metaphor. It was funny. It gave us a way to talk about a particular brand of pulp novel--the kind that apparently took half-an-hour to write and which was published without being read by the editor first.
Enter the Wikidouches.
Since news broke that Victor and I optioned Emerson's "biopic" script Pulp Boy to Jake Dickey of Explosive Entertainment, some Wikidouches decided to look a little more closely at the LaSalle entry on Wikipedia. When they were not able to confirm the existence of an actual writer named Emerson LaSalle, nor his books, they cried hoax and foul and sought revenge the only way they knew how: recommending the LaSalle article for (gasp) DELETION from Wikipedia. Like super-extra-banishment. That'll show us!
The important point here is that apparently, fictional characters do not deserve spots on Wikipedia unless it is very well goddamned clear that the character is fictional (see Wonder Woman), or nearly so (see Tony Clifton), or most likely to be (see Gary Shandling. I mean, really, you don't buy that there really is a Gary Shandling, do you? I've never heard him tell a funny joke, but people still laugh...)
In fact, once the entry was changed to reflect the fact the LaSalle is a fictional creation, that still wasn't good enough for them. Several of them said it wasn't funny, derided the "bloggers" who were responsible, belittled the official Pulp Boy website, and questioned a recent LaSalle defender's grammar. Seems like it wasn't enough to get LaSalle booted from Wikipedia, but they had to kick him while he was down--bear-mauled and one-handed.
Of course, if the post broke the rules, fine. I understand completely that people want to believe in Wikipedia as a place for good, honest, rule-abiding factual info dumping.
But then you've got to wonder why these folks got so angry over this. All I can figure is that it's like going up to a group of nerds playing Magic: The Gathering, sitting down, and pulling out your custom made "I just gave you all Atomic Wedgies" card. Yeah, they'd take that shit personally.
That was never the intent of Emerson LaSalle. Instead, Emerson was supposed to be inspirational--all of the really putrid writers out there could have a hero to point at and say "If Emerson LaSalle can get published, then why can't I?"
But thanks to the Wikidouches, he's a hoax, which means he never published anything, which means all those people are still putrid writers whose prose would funk up even something as simple as a Waffle House menu. So thanks, Wikidouches. You've gone and destroyed a lot of (unattainable) dreams. I hope you're happy with yourselves.
Now how about you guys? Which fictional character do you wish actually existed, and why?
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