Since I've designated 2009 as my "Year of Pulp" (meaning write more, write faster, and give it the most bang for the buck), I'm also decided I would have some fun with really cheap red wine. I mean, anyone can go and pretend to be an expert with what little knowledge you picked up off the Fine Living Channel (you know you watch it, sitting there in your underpants drinking Milwaukee's Best Light), but it takes some balls to wade through the cheap shit in order to find the occasional pearls.
That brings us to Bandit Merlot. In a box. It's from the Three Thieves guys, the ones who made cheap screw-top jug wine tasty.
Let me be clear: Merlot. Not the Bandit Cabernet, which is an offense to taste. Really, the cab is like some sort of cooking vinegar spiked with bad strawberry cola, with some cod oil thrown in for good measure. Avoid at all cost. I don't care if it's only seven bucks.
But the Merlot is a surprising little bugger. I actually took the first sip without making a face. I thought to myself Did I accidentally open the better wine while I was off in La La Land? Another sip. Hey, how about that? Still not spitting it into the sink.
Really, it's the type of red you drink with French fries and frozen chicken fingers. Or if you're alone and want to drink it right out of the box like milk. Or if you're writing a terrible book and just want to pass out rather than face the pages because, seriously, it didn't seem this boring when I thought it up. I'm talking Satanists and Pentecostal preachers and mysterious old men in Mississippi BBQ joints who can read your mind. Nope, just didn't work worth a damn. Took a hundred and thirty pages to figure that out? Geez. Why, look, seven dollar wine in a cool box. Maybe that will bring the sweet, sweet oblivion I crave so much in order to dull the bright sound of failure pinging in my mind over and over...
Or you can serve it to guests at your next bratwurst fry. I don't care.
I also found a bottle of Zinfandel with a little bird on the label for about ten bucks. Yeah, I mean, if you don't know jack shit, just pick the cool labels. The wine sucks, though. I'll talk about that in another review.
So, what is your guiltiest alcoholic pleasure? The one you are truly ashamed to love?
Bonus Friday Music Video:
That is the single greatest video ever posted here. Congratulations. You win.
Posted by: Jeff Shelby | February 20, 2009 at 07:48 AM
When Flight of the Conchords started singing this song Sunday night, we couldn't stop laughing. Fantastic.
But wine in a box? I couldn't do it. And you can get a great wine inexpensively, too. This is one of our favorites and I've never seen it for more than $5.99:
http://www.shopperswines.com/product.asp?ItemNo=52320
Posted by: Karen Olson | February 20, 2009 at 08:04 AM
Neil, Neil, you are my hero :) Thanks for a great start to my day!
Posted by: Lori Armstrong | February 20, 2009 at 08:29 AM
Karen,
White doesn't count. I mean, that's stuff you cook with. It smells like cheese. Not far removed from Sprite.
Posted by: N | February 20, 2009 at 09:03 AM
Admittedly, I prefer red, too, but this white is actually very good on a hot summer day.
What do you think of Malbec?
Posted by: Karen Olson | February 20, 2009 at 09:09 AM
I am a fan of Barefoot Merlot. A steal at 5.99 a bottle ... although it recently went up to 6.99. If it goes up more, I might jump ship.
White wine is for sorority girls and Real Wives of Orange County. That's right. i went there.
VG
Posted by: Victor Gischler | February 20, 2009 at 10:28 AM
And I bet they put ice cubes in their wine, too, right, Victor?
I just gave myself the heebie jeebies thinking about that...
Posted by: Karen Olson | February 20, 2009 at 10:52 AM
They put Hi-C and 7up in their wine and drink it with a straw!
Ha. Seriously, no offense to the white wine drinkers. i kid because i love.
VG
Posted by: Victor Gischler | February 20, 2009 at 10:54 AM
I love the Conchords. I don't like wine. I really love vodka.
And I'm guilty of buying really cheap flavored vodka, too, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
Posted by: David Terrenoire | February 20, 2009 at 11:30 AM
I love Vodka too, David -- flavored only occasionally, though (Peach vodka with orange juice I love.) I like Smirnoff a lot more than Grey Goose. It's like ten dollars cheaper, just as smooth if not smoother, and Fergie doesn't sing about it.
Posted by: AlisonGaylin | February 20, 2009 at 11:42 AM
I also notice a bottle of Negra Modelo in your photo. Wine's fine, but I love me some Negra Modelo.
Posted by: AlisonGaylin | February 20, 2009 at 11:52 AM
I like to choose my wines by the picture on the label too. I've never been a connoisseur of fine wines...only of fine whines. ;-0 And I had to look up how to spell connoisseur. But I do prefer Merlot, and in particular Cabernet-Merlot, and I don't care if it's in a bottle, jug or plastic jug.
Posted by: Becky Hutchison | February 20, 2009 at 01:22 PM
Make that last statement:
...bottle, ceramic jug or plastic container.
Geesh. Not enough wine, I guess.
Posted by: Becky Hutchison | February 20, 2009 at 01:25 PM
I think the ultimate cheap wine is Sean Mondavi's Reddish Style Wine Drink, which comes in a used 2-liter Mountain Dew bottle, and is aged by a long van ride across the Mojave.
(Damn, I wish that video was still online...)
Posted by: N | February 20, 2009 at 01:37 PM
N: I am late to the game today, however, consider low-brow French: La Vieille Ferme: Cotes du Ventoux. Shit comes in a friggin' 1.5L bottle for under thirteen bucks for christsakes. I imagine it's the stuff French auto mechanics slug when they're eating cheese, farting, and laughing at your rental car engine as it falls apart on the street like a leper.
Posted by: Kieran | February 20, 2009 at 06:28 PM
nice
too many dicks on the dance floor rocks.
Posted by: Jon Jordan | February 20, 2009 at 08:06 PM
Just because you can afford $7 bottles of wine, you don't have to rub it in. Some of us out here are writers.
Posted by: Stephen D. Rogers | February 21, 2009 at 01:23 PM
Yeah, but that $7 bottle is like the once a year candy bar in Willy Wonka. Shit, the rest of the time, I'm just leaving grape juice out in the sun and praying really hard.
Posted by: N | February 21, 2009 at 02:48 PM
Wine? No wine around here. Well, she drinks it, but I can't do it. Beer or liquor only. Yeah, I know I'm low-class, but I fucking like it that way...
Posted by: Jake Nantz | February 21, 2009 at 05:11 PM