First Offenders

SHIT TO DO ON THE INTERNET WHILE YOU'RE NOT WRITING

Read Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal cartoons.

Combine Twitter and Blip-fm accounts in order to Tweet songs.

Obsessively check Hawtness.com, Fail Blog, and Not Always Right.

Obsessively check my Amazon rankings.

Find out what my fellow OFFENDERS are up to.  Am I right, people?

Check the Amazon rankings of that bastard, you know the one, how the fuck did he get a big deal when his writing is kinda like strangled cats and Panic at the Disco, and he's the next big thing up-and-comer, but me? I can't sell a fucking book to save my life.  The fuck?  C'mon!

CNN.com: you complete me.

AddicitingGames.com, I curse and bless the day we ever met.  Now, let's try the Impossible Quiz one more time...

Read BEAT TO A PULP, THUGLIT, TWIST OF NOIR, and about eleventy hundred blogs.

Well, of course Crimespot.  That just goes without saying.

Look for new fonts.

Find ghost videos on YouTube, like this, this, and that.

Watch Ellroy be nuts. Always a riot. Guys got balls of brass.

And lastly, the Doodlewall.  Yes, they made fun of me.  Yes, they called me a pathetic loser.  And yet, I like their 'tude, like their work, and I'm proud to have been skewered by them. 

So, any of you got some secret web stuff I'm missing?

Friday Bonus Music Video:

What A Tangled Web (site) We Weave

Lori here~

I am not tech savvy. I freely admit this without embarrassment. I also admit I have no desire whatsoever to learn html code, animation, or anything remotely connected with computer gadgetry or programs. Some people -- mostly people who are tech savvy, who think computer stuff is "easy" -- gasp in mock horror and try to convince me I'm a smart woman, I can figure it out, it's not that hard.

Right.

But what I think really bothers them is my stated desire not to learn that crap. I don't want to know how to roof my own house, or stitch up my own wounds either. So hiring a qualified website design specialist makes perfect sense. I gladly write the check after I'm satisfied with the product.

With NO MERCY releasing in two months, my website needed a complete overhaul. I've had the same website designer since 2004 when my first mystery was contracted. I was initially very happy with the site. We did a couple of changes every year but nothing...earth shattering. So when Lorelei James was born in 2006, I opted to go with another website designer. One who was more accessible. One who knows I'm not tech savvy, but also understands I'm also a bit of a control freak. We launched the site and it's undergone many changes over the years, both in appearance and accessibility.

Because I release way more erotic romances in a calendar year than the lone mystery, the Lorelei James website is constantly updated. It's got "extras" on the site readers have asked for. I have a blog I post little tidbits on three times a week. It's a fluid site rather than a static site. And boy-howdy do my web stats reflect that difference. My daily unique visits on the Lorelei James site are at least TWENTY TIMES what my visits are on the Lori Armstrong site.

Naturally I'm striving to change that. We relaunched the Lori Armstrong website this week. I'm happy with it, we're still adding features, making changes. I haven't received the okay from Simon and Schuster yet to post an excerpt from the book, or the great author blurbs I've gotten, or the reviews, so the site is still a work in progress. Check it out:

Lori Armstrong website

Once the site is completely done, and the closer I get to publication of NO MERCY (and through this next damn deadline) I plan on blogging once a week on my own, in addition to my weekly blogging here at First Offenders. The Under The Gun blog will be something completely different. I hope to bribe coax gun professionals for a montly Q&A about firearms.

So my question: how often do you visit author websites? And what features keep you coming back?

Getting cozy

Any time an established series author begins a new series with a new protagonist, there are bound to be comparisons between characters. I'm guilty of that myself. I absolutely loved JA Jance's JP Beaumont, and when I first read her Joanna Brady books, I admit I didn't love them. Joanna didn't have the depth that Beau had, I felt, and the books felt too light in tone next to her first series.

This was exactly what concerned me when I moved from writing my Annie Seymour books to my tattoo shop mysteries. I knew there was going to be a huge difference between the two series, between the two protagonists. I had a lot of people emailing me and telling me that they were going to miss Annie, why wasn't I going to keep on with her? Sure, they agreed to have an open mind and read the new books, but they couldn't let go.

I did think I got past that a little, because THE MISSING INK has gotten great reviews, and all of my first readers thought it was the best book I'd written. But an Amazon review last week made me realize that some people are always going to love Annie a little bit better than Brett: "The concept is great! As a tattooed woman, I felt it certainly had promise. I learned some interesting things. But Brett's character just didn't seem to have much depth, and the whole package didn't quite measure up--possibly because Olson's other series IS so good, I had high expectations."

But then the reviewer continued, and I began to see that it wasn't just a difference between the two characters, but the reviewer's own feelings about a lighter type of mystery: "I will read the next in series, but I have become very disillusioned with cozies in general . . ."

While JA Jance continued with the same sort of police procedural with her Joanna Brady books, I completely changed the style of book I was writing. I went from a much darker, grittier, four-letter-word type book to something lighter, breezier, with an amateur sleuth who in the real world would have nothing to do with crime solving.  I don't feel it's completely fair to compare, but I do know it's inevitable.

How about you? When a favorite author switches gears and protagonists, do you find yourself comparing the two?

Karen

Late for everything...

By Alison

Blame it on the fact I was at work until 1 AM last night! Meaning I got home at 3 AM and I'm still trying to catch up... Anyway, in the tradition of cute F.O. daughters Not dressing like Princesses for Halloween, I'd like to present my little corpse bride. Talk amongst yourselves....

You Can't See Her Invisible Jet Because...It's Invisible

Whoa. I'm late. And I'm tired. Halloween and the time change wore me out and then I woke up this morning and there was this bright glowing thing in the sky and it confused me and frightened me until I realized oh that's just the sun and it seems foreign here in Dallas because we haven't seen it since, oh, August.

We didn't have many trick or treaters. I guess H1N1 had a lot of parents keeping their kids at home, soaking in a bath of sanitizer or something. Yeah, well not me. Because I'm an awesome parent and don't care much about, you know, health and stuff, I let my daughter have it on Saturday night. Not that there was anything I could've done anyway if I'd wanted to. I mean - you don't mess with superheroes.

And she was Wonder Woman.

I have no idea where she got it in her head that she wanted to be Wonder Woman - she says she's never seen The Superfriends (which is something I hope to get rectified immediately) - but for about two months she was dead set on being Wonder Woman for Halloween.

Here. See for yourself.

So as you can see, I didn't have a chance.

No questions today. Just wanted to share that. Happy November.
Jeff

And no Babes in Joyland today. Just a song that is stuck in my head.

NOIR

• Regular Joe.  What could possibly go wrong, right?
• The man in the hat shot the other man in the hat.
• The last score never goes as planned.
• Guy meets girl.  She's all, like, sexy and shit, and fucks him stupid.  Then he does stupid things for her to make sure he keeps that pussy for himself.  Then that pisses off some other guy (like her husband), who must thusly DIE DIE DIE at the hand of first guy.  But then he starts to resent the bitch who got him into this even though the pussy is still pulling at his selfish, homicidal prick.  Before you know it, they're fucking and trying to kill each other pretty much simultaneously.  Maybe one succeeds.  No one gets out happy.
• Guy needs money.  Does bad thing to get money (maybe involving guys with nicknames like "Fats" and "The Strangler" and "Assraper Junior"), but a) now owes bad men money but can't afford it, or b) stumbles into murder.  Either way, ooooo wheeeee, I'd make sure to wear a fake mustache and avoid Assraper Junior at all costs.
• Porn Stars.   Nuff said.
• What a shitty future.  Robots think they're people.  People can't tell if they're robots.  Then there's sex and chases.  Maybe you are a robot.  Th' fuck?  Also, Asian food.
• Bad voiceovers, man.  I'm talkin' baaaad.
• Why are all these criminals dressed so well? (Neo-noir version: why are all these criminals British and wearing track-suits?)
• It would be nice if they turned on a goddamned light so I could see what's what.
• Wrong place, wrong time, big trouble, great movie.
• Everybody smokes.
• You are so fucked.  You just don't know it yet.
• But seriously, did you see the ass on her?  You would've done the same thing.

What smells like noir to you?

Friday Bonus Music VIdeo:

Play It Again, Sam

Lori here~

I've noticed a trend of authors listing "playlists" to accompany books they've written, either they list it in the book itself on the acknowledgment page, or on their website blog, to talk about how the music inspired them.

I can't listen to music while I'm writing. Period. Music of any type, especially not a song I know the words to because the next thing I know, I'm singing along. Yeah, I have a short attention span and delusions of I don't sound THAT bad when I sing along (the Gretchen Wilson "Redneck Woman" drunken karyoke incident at the Blue Lantern not withstanding) to the tunes drifiting from radio in my car. Which is the only place I can listen to music.

But what gets me, is how completely and totally unhip those playlists make me feel. I get that it's my issue, but sometimes I wonder if that isn't the entire point of making those playlists public. The whole, I'm so cool, look at what *I* listen to vibe. It's obscure so it has to be good, right? I've never heard of half the bands. Oh, and remember I have THREE TEENAGERS, with varying tastes in music, so it's not like I'm totally clueless about what's out there. I don't have the current Shiny Toy Guns CD in my car, but I have heard of them. It reminds me of an argument I used to have in the mid-80's with a friend who refused to listen to that "Top 40" crap, and insisted on listening to alternative music, REM, B-52's, Depeche Mode, The Surf Punks, The Hoodoo Gurus, The Smiths, The Cure, Adam and the Ants before he became Adam Ant, music that for the most part was still only heard on college radios stations. Yes, I liked those bands a lot, but I also pointed out, if there wasn't "Top 40" music, then it would be impossible to gauge what was considered alternative music. We went round and round on this, and when REM broke out -- he refused to listen to them any more.

Snobbery? Or rather: it's only cool if no one--or a select few--knows who the hell the band is. It shows you're tuned in to the new generation, man. Or just trying too hard to be hip to that jive (another joke in the Armstrong household). I ain't gotta lotta time for that mindset these days, nor for the "You've NEVER heard of the Vomiting Mushrooms? They're the best band ever." Uh-huh.

But I sing a different tune when it comes to song titles. Dude. I lift use song titles all the time. My next Lorelei James book (out Tuesday!) is entitled "All Jacked Up" -- yes, it shares a name with the Gretchen Wilson tune, but the song didn't inspire the book. The main male character's name is Jack--and he and the heroine have an adversarial relationship so the title is perfect. The last LJ book I wrote? "Shoulda Been A Cowboy" again, not based on the Toby Keith song, but the main male character is the lone sibling in a Wyoming ranching family who isn't a cowboy. I've used "Dirty Deeds" by AC/DC -- the main male character is a landscaper, and "Wicked Garden" by Stone Temple Pilots -- the main female character's name is Eden. It amuses me to find a title that fits, if nothing else. My desire is to someday write a book with the title "Janie's Got A Gun" and one called "Jamie's Crying" -- I know, I'm dating myself.

So FOFO's playlists...make them? Hate them? Love them? Feel totally geekified by them?

Cocktails, all around

Scary is what it's all about during Halloween week.

And perhaps the scariest news (other than Sen. Joe Lieberman fucking with the Democrats over a public option opt-out health care reform bill, although that makes me, as one of his constituents, more pissed off than scared), is that Broadway is planning a new show based on the 1988 Tom Cruise movie COCKTAIL.

Now, COCKTAIL was one of the worst good bad movies ever. It's one of those movies that is occasionally overplayed on cable, and you just have to watch that scene where Bryan Brown and Tom Cruise flip those glasses and bottles all over the bar:

But I just can't see this as a Broadway show. I mean, really? And apparently they've already got someone in mind to play the Elizabeth Shue role. Are we surprised it's Katie Holmes, aka Mrs. Tom Cruise?

You can read more about plans for COCKTAIL here.

If you were going to produce a good bad movie for the stage, what would it be? (And you can't pick FLASHDANCE or DIRTY DANCING, since they've both been done...remarkably under my radar, since I find them both compellingly bad although not nearly as bad as COCKTAIL).

Karen

Just for the Halloween of it...

By Alison

So here's the most interesting Halloween costume I've ever heard described: Back in college, a friend of mine glued hundreds alka seltzer tablets to her body and jumped into a pool. A short lived costume, yet VERY effervescent. Now I'm not all that ambitious, nor do I feel like jumping in any water in 40 degree weather and getting bubbles all up my nose, but I am looking for Halloween costume ideas, and obviously, I need them fast.

My daughter is going to be a corpse bride. We've got the wedding dress, and we're going to make it look like she's been buried in it for years, and then we're going to do the white make up with the dark circles around her eyes, tack up the hair. Put a few dead flowers in her hands, she's ready to go.

But my husband and I are at a loss. Last year, we were going to go as McCain and Palin (Me as McCain, him as Palin) but we were invited to this 1940s party, so we had to go that route instead. This year... I don't know. Nothing seems to stand out. I'd like to be something topical, but there just aren't that many topical things this year that make for good costumes. Should I go as a Kindle? How about The Recession? Should my husband and I go as Khloe and Kim Kardashian? I'm dying here!!!

So I'm using this blog to fish for last-minute ideas. What are you going as for Halloween? Or what's the best Halloween costume you've ever done? Or what the hell do you think I should be? Any and all comments are greatly appreciated.

On Impulse

Lori here ~ still giddy after the surprising Shamus win~

Still slaving away on the book I had to ask for a teeny extension on (due this week) and my brain only has so much room for creativity today - I apologize in advance for the randomness of this blog.

To some extent, I think everyone is an impulse buyer -- aka a sucker for the newest thing. Luckily I am not a gadget girl, so my impulse buys are fairly inexpensive (with the exception of my love for cowgirl boots) and since I shop at low-rent stores like Walgreens and Walmart, usually my impulse buys are food/cosmetic related. The choices double this time of year with Halloween and Christmas looming.

Mmm. Candy. Have you seen the candy aisles lately? The plethora of Hershey's Kisses flavors these days astounds me, but I love trying the latest flavor sensation (hint: cherry cordial tastes just like chocolate covered cherries and the toasted coconut ones are perfect). Same goes for M&Ms (hint: the strawberry chocolate ones suck.) Whoppers -- I love peanut butter but was it really necessary to mess with Whopper perfection? Or the strawberry milkshake ones? Shudder. I am still browsing the candy section in SD on occasion for the chocolate bar with the bits of bacon in it -- yes, bacon and chocolate. Two perfect foods in one. YUM. I picked one up in Florida and wished I would've bought two. Okay, two hundred.

And this is embarrassing to admit, but I am a sucker for...mascara. I see 14XXXXX the Volume!!! and my eyes glaze over with lust. I imagine my eyelashes so long and lush that when I blink I actually mess up my bangs. Seriously. Brown-black, black, blackest black, black noir (come ON, how much of a sucker was I for THAT one??) I even keep buying a brand that doesn't do crap for lengthening my lashes, but it smells like lilacs. Lilacs! How important is it that my freakin' eyelashes have the whimsical aroma of flowers? Very. I sniff that damn tube like a junkie--even when I'm not putting on my makeup I pick it up and inhale. I even texted my sister in law for Christ's sake about my latest mascara discovery.

The one new product I've managed to avoid buying is the automatic twirling mascara applicator. Oh, I've looked at it. Several times. Two things hold me back from that impulsive purchase - 1) I'm afraid I'll put my eye out. I'm still traumatized by what we here in the Armstrong house call the "eyelash curler" incident, 2) I'm pretty sure this brand won't smell like lilacs.

Share your cheap and embarrassing impulse buys FOFO's!

Thanks everyone who congratulated me on the Shamus. Still stunned, still thrilled that Karen and I were nominated together, still totally bummed I missed bar time networking at Bouchercon.