First Offenders

Don't Call Me When It's On Because I Won't Answer The Phone

Are you watching Jersey Shore? Or are you just scared to admit it?

See, I'm not afraid to admit it. My poor taste in television has been documented all over this here Internet and I think more people would be surprised if I wasn't watching it. So I have no fear.

In case you have missed the publicity blitz, Jersey Shore is an MTV reality shore that takes place - guess???!!! - on the Jersey Shore and features seven (well, now it's six - LONG story - actually its not - Angelina was lazy, she got fired and had to move out) - young men and women living together in a summer house. Oh, and did I mention the producers set out apparently to find people who lived up to nearly every awful East Coast Italian stereotype they could find? Wait, let me rephrase that - the producers set out apparently to find people who THRIVE in living up to nearly every awful East Coast Italian stereotype they could find. Yeah, that sounds better. Because these folks blissfully call themselves Guidos and Guidettes. Seriously.

Oh and you know what's cool? They also give themselves nicknames. J-WOWW, Pauly D, Snooki and my favorite, The Situation. Yeah, that's his nickname. The theme of the show really is self-absorption and these people really know how to pull it off.

Anyway the show features them all living together and partying and drinking and fighting and yelling and doing their hair and hooking up and lots of other things that really shouldn't be fascinating - but totally are. I have no idea why. I should be ashamed of even knowing about this show, but I just set my DVR to record the entire season.

Critics hate it and are bashing the show. That seems about right. There is some pretty awful stuff. But there is also some pretty hilarious stuff and it better be on for the rest of my life.

I'm begging you. Watch this show. So we can be friends.

And I think everyone needs to give themselves a nickname today.
J-FANTASTIC (I totally would've used J-WOWW but its obviously already taken...)

BABES IN JOYLAND
This is the number one downloaded song at iTunes right now and it is on seemingly every radio station every hour here in Dallas. And it has my daughter dancing around the house yelling DJ BLOW MY SPEAKERS UP!!!

YOU KNOW WHY I HATE ANDY ROONEY? CUZ I'M JUST LIKE HIM

Guess this one will be my last for 2009, since I'll be enjoying the holidays the next couple of weeks.  See you back here come 2010.

And, as much as I hate the last five fucking minutes of 60 Minutes due to this long-past-needing-retiring Andy "I Hate New Shit" Rooney, here's my own version of the same thing.

Why does everything have to get louder and louder every Christmas?  Seems like the object is to eventually reach cacophonous noise for a month straight.  And why why why must advertisers mangle Christmas songs we're tired of into Christmas jingles we absolutely loathe.  I mean, what's the point of this bullshit?

So it's not enough to just sing a nice tune and remind us of the season?  You have to put a guilt trip on people for shopping wrong?  Assholes!  Self righteous assholes!

And this sucks too:

If you think it's cute to do that to Christmas songs, then a lump of coal for you.  And a dusty one.  Make sure you inhale all that coal dust.  Worse, they took an already jokey enough song ("Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer") and decided to commercialize the fuck out of it.  For shame!

Anyway, I long for a quiet Christmas.  You know, one in which advertisers are struck immobilized for just enough time to make sure none of their Christmas ads get on the air.  And I'm not some old-timey prude.  Hell, I'm even fine with good ol' RUN DMC.  Even that's like a nice calm breeze compared to some of the current shit.

So, let us all be merry this holiday by shutting the fuck up for a while, okay?

Have a great Christmas and New Year's, and if you have any Christmas pet peeves, unload em in the comments.  I'm looking forward to all the damage we can do together in 2010.

FRIDAY BONUS MUSIC VIDEO:

Can't Handle Anarchy

I've mentioned before that I don't watch a lot of TV. I have certain shows I like, (Lost, Friday Night Lights, True Blood, Burn Notice, The Vampire Diaries, 10 Things I Hate About You, Breaking Bad) and it's more time efficient to DVR them and watch at my convenience, when I don't have to sit through a billion commercials. Or lately, I've been buying entire seasons of a TV show when amazon.com runs a sale so when I want to start a new series, I can (I just bought all four seasons of Supernatural and can't wait for things to slow down so I can watch it. I'm contemplating buying the first season of Fringe, and I have all the seasons of Mad Men) Once in a while I stumble across a new show like White Collar, which I'm still not quite sure of, but find myself watching anyway.

When I saw the first commercial for Sons Of Anarchy, I was very intrigued. As you know, we have a fairly large biker population here in Rapid City, especially since we're thirty miles from world famous Sturgis. In my Julie Collins series, Julie is heavily involved with the president of a biker club. As the books progressed, she got sucked a little more into his world, even when she didn't want to, even when she didn't understand the lifestyle, even when she couldn't help it if she wanted to be with him.

So I started to watch an episode of Sons of Anarchy. I made it about fifteen minutes before I had to shut it off. Not because it was so bad or unrealistic, but for another reason entirely, one that might sound stupid, but I'm going to throw it out there anyway.

Watching the show made me miss my characters and the world I'd created with Julie Collins.

When I finished Snow Blind, I knew it would probably be the last Julie book. I had to leave her in a place where I was satisfied with the choices she'd made and I hoped readers would be satisfied too. I went through a mourning process of sorts. It was damn difficult to let it -- and let her -- go.

But seeing that show reminded me of all the plotlines, storylines, character development and situations I wouldn't get to write. It made me incredibly sad. Again. I realized while I love writing my new female hero, Mercy Gunderson, and she takes me in places Julie never did, I'll always miss writing my favorite bad girl.

So tell me FOFO's...is there a fictional TV show you've seen that you can't watch because it brings up memories you've chosen to leave in the past?

Crossing the finish line

So instead of actually commenting on Alison's post from yesterday, I figured I'd write another post related to it.

Because I sent my book to my agent Sunday night.

I'm not sure how it happened, but after all the fits and starts I had with this damn manuscript, the last 20 pages flew. I'd known exactly how the book would end from the get-go. I almost started writing the end at one point when I was in the middle and stuck for a week, but somehow I managed to move past it and never got around to it.

So about a week and a half ago, I got home from work, settled in with my laptop on the couch and wrote those 20 pages like they were nothing. Like writing the whole book had been like that. Ha! And even in the middle of it, I helped my daughter with her English paper and drove her to and from choir rehearsal. Because that's what moms do: we are the queens of multitasking. The whole time, though, I had it swirling around in my head and when I wrote the last two words (no, they were not THE END), I knew it was THE END.

I have never been so happy to have finished a book as I was that day. Granted, I had two wonderful people read it and I had to make some tweaks, but it wasn't so bad (except I forgot that the Jeep was somewhere in the desert and they were now driving the Impala, so I had to change all the Jeep references to Impalas).

And yesterday while the nice IT guy battled the virus that moved into my work computer with all his family and friends, I even managed to outline half of the next book (yes, it took that long, and the virus is still laughing at us).

So as I revel in the relief and work from home today (snow day!), my question to you is: Do you really think those computer viruses ever go away? We have a Dell computer in our basement that has a beast living in it. It refused to move. So we got a Mac. Who's laughing now?

Karen

Sorry I'm a little late but...

... I've been writing. That's right. WRITING!!! After so many weeks and months of stopping and starting, of forcing myself through bouts of horrifying self-doubt and Itotallysuckitis, I had today what felt like my best writing day since I started this book oh so many months ago -- and it sprung out of total, rock-bottom suckage!

For a few days, I've been struggling through a scene that's my least favorite kind. A transitional scene -- basically that scene where the main character is doing some lame thing that you hate writing about because it's so damn boring and seemingly irrelevent when all of a sudden a lightbulb goes off in her head and she's spurred into action. I was having a hell of a time with it. Basically, I just needed something to get Brenna from point G to point H, but I couldn't find it. Anywhere. So I woke up this morning expecting another craptastic day of terrifyingly bad writing when... Well it's sort of like pushing a car. You're putting your whole weight into it and nothing is happening, but then there's that moment where it just gives -- and you're rolling. Well that's what happened to me. For the first time in forever, I wrote a scene that felt like it was writing itself, and then that brick wall I've been hitting kind of crumbled and I saw the path that leads to the end of the book.

I love this feeling. It's so rare, but it reminds me of why I wanted to write in the first place -- that creative rush, where it seems like everything is falling into place. A friend of mine calls in "book sex," and though that may be overselling it, I do agree that it's a really, really good time.

So I'm gonna get back to it. But first, I'd like to ask -- have any of you had this feeling recently? And if so, what got you there?

'Tis The Season

So it's that time of year again. The Christmas music is playing. The tree is up. The menu is being planned. The presents are being wrapped and placed under the tree.

And, uh, here come the in-laws.

Now I know this is a bit of a taboo subject. No one wants to come right out and bash their in-laws, no matter what they are like. And that's not what I'm looking to do here. But there is just something about essentially giving my house over to visitors for a few days that drives me nuts. Entire house has to be clean. Everyone has to be polite. No one can walk around in their underwear if they normally do that once in awhile or all day long. Meals tend to be a little more jazzed up. Everyone's in the kitchen and wants to help even though there's nothing to do. Conversation tends to move around benign subjects. It all just becomes so ABNORMAL and that tends to wear on me.

And I've heard in-law horror stories before and comparatively speaking, I could have it a lot worse. So it's not even the actual people themselves - its the having to adjust your life for the duration of the visit. I'm usually good for the first couple of days and its fun, but after that, I usually start to breakdown. The smile fades. I am looking for a quiet place or any excuse to get out of the house. I am counting the hours until I get my house back so I can make a crappy dinner and leave the living room a mess and watch some crappy tv and walk around in my underwear. I don't wanna have to be "on" all the time.

So. Are you looking forward to family visitors this holiday season?
Jeff

BABES IN JOYLAND
Hey, remember a few months back when I posted this and there wasn't a real video to go with it? Well you are so friggin' lucky because now there is. I mean really - you are so lucky.

NICOLAS FUCKING CAGE

I DVR'd THE ROCK recently so I could once again enjoy one of my all-time favorite movies.  And I know it's bad in the way all Bruckheimer movies are bad.  But this one is special.  Somehow, the ridiculolusness of it all warms my heart instead of making me want to chew my fingernails off in a fit of idiocy ("Why didn't anyone give a shit that the space station blew up??? Like, they were just about to die on a space station that BLEW THE FUCK UP and five minutes later, it's all business."  Or: "I swear the music in GONE ON SIXTY SECONDS is exactly the same as in CON AIR.").  No, THE ROCK is above it all, one of the bestest, most illogical waste of everyone's time ever, and I can't get enough.  I want all my books to be as enjoyable as THE ROCK (see,I said "enjoyable", not "good").

Also, I've been watching it in two minute segments.  Like a daily does of ROCK.  Two minutes, piss off my wife, and we're done til tomorrow.  First I'm struck by the annoying Bruckheimer habit of cutting away to comic relief characters during really intense action pieces.  In THE ROCK, it's while Cage is trying to diffuse a doll bomb and his partner is pointing to his melting gloves and freaking out over the adrenaline shot's big needle (which he acts as if he's never seen before).  I can't find that clip, so here's a similar one from GONE IN SIXTY SECONDS:

But let's cut to the chase: it's all about the CAGE.  I don't care how bad of a movie he's in, Nicolas Fucking Cage owns it.  I want all my books to be as fucked-up and awesome as Nick Cage, too.

The news that he is now both a) in a kick ass Werner Herzog movie called BAD LIEUTENANT: PORT OF CALL NEW ORLEANS, and b) flat broke, is fascinating.  But you know what?  He'll keep making millions to replace his other millions.  He can't help it.  He's CAGE.  After being a bad ass cop, I'm sure he'll go be an escaped CIA man who can see the future (twice) and knows that only the secret map on the back of the Gettysburg Address can save us from the impending invasion of cockroaches and Laura Dern.  And I'll watch that fucker, too.

So the rest of this is going to be a SUPER BONUS VIDEO FRIDAY TRIBUTE to NICOLAS FUCKING CAGE!

And one more:


So, you got any fave moments from his ouvre? Or maybe you know another actor/actress just as willing to go apeshit on camera? Sho' nuff, Neil

Need Some Wisdom

A short post today since my deadline nears and my progress on this book seems sloooowww...

Our middle daughter is getting her wisdom teeth taken out on Friday. Evidently those teeth are coming in sideways -- or look like they're coming in wrong and need to be dealt with ASAP (or while we still have money available this year on our dental insurance). So Mr. LGA, who has had his wisdom teeth removed at that same age and understands the pain involved, scheduled an appointment with the oral surgeon...and is now conveniently leaving town.

I'll prepare myself for the "no wonder" jokes when I admit I don't have wisdom teeth. I wasn't born with them. Neither was my mother, my grandmother or my oldest daughter (the jury is still out the youngest Armstrong child having them, but she's dealing with orthodonics which is a whole 'nother matter). I've had several dentists tell me it's because that female branch of my family "evolved" and we don't need wisdom teeth. I'll take that school of thought, rather than the "No wisdom teeth? Ha ha you're stupid" taunts my younger brother used to throw at me.

When the girls were babies, they got incredibly sick from teething and what gave them immediate relief was to let them gnaw on a cold washcloth. I highly doubt that approach will work this time. I know they'll give her painkillers and an antibiotic -- during the surgery she'll be hooked up to an IV -- a factoid we haven't shared with her as she is petrified of needles. I'm sure the doctor's assistant will give us do's and don'ts, but I find better advice from people who've had the procedure done.

Tell me FOFO's what do you remember from getting your wisdom teeth yanked?

Tattoo tears

So I get this email from a friend who has offered to read DRIVEN TO INK for me and tell me whether it sucks or not. The first line is: You are an evil person. This wasn't exactly what I was going for, but reading further, I realized she felt that way because my book made her stay up way past her bedtime and she didn't get any of her errands done the next day. And then she wrote: You made me cry ... twice.

Now, as most of you know, I write tattoo shop mysteries. Not exactly tear-inducing stories. I usually aim for laughs, and I began to wonder if she cried because she was laughing too hard. But as I read on, I realized that something I'd aimed to do with this book actually worked: I shot a character who has been a staple of the series and this elicited emotions my friend had not expected. And the last line of the book also got to her.

I'd wrestled with the shooting. Should anyone get hurt at all? Should it be the protagonist? No, because since she's telling the story, there would be nothing left to tell. But as I wrote the scene, I knew if I hadn't shot someone, it would be stupid. How far I took it depended mostly on my mood that week . . . which was a little low, to be honest. I wanted, too, to take the series to a level it hadn't seen before, a little deeper and a little darker. While it's fun writing about tattoos, sometimes you just have to change it up a little. This is the third book I've written in a year and a half. Too much of the same is too much.

What do you think when you're reading a book in a series you like and something unexpected and perhaps tragic happens to one of the main characters?

Karen

The best laid plans...

By Alison

Let me just start by saying I finished this freakin' blog like two hours ago. It was actually pretty eloquent -- focusing on telling the truth in writing, and how it's those truthful elements rather than the plot points that stay with us after we write them. It took me a long time to write the thing too. But when I tried to post it, FREAKIN TYPEPAD wouldn't do it. And then my computer got booted offline, and when I came back on to typepad, the only thing saved was Jeff's post from yesterday. AAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!

So I started trying to write it again. But before long I thought. Nah,screw it. Now I'm pissed off and not feeling philosophical or writerly at all and whatever I write will suck worse than a Quill reunion. In fact, all I feel like I can do well right now is to throw my laptop across the room.

SO.... I'm saving that blog for next week. This week, please tell me about the most UNBELIEVABLY ANNOYING THING A COMPUTER EVER DID TO YOU so that I can feel better.

Thank you.